Dean deserves a Hug

2-Talk Me Down

Dean walked swiftly down the sidewalk, his hands wringing at his backpack strap. He glanced at his phone to check the time, a force of habit. 2:41 pm. Sam should be out of school now, taking the bus home. John wouldn't be back till 6 at the latest, so he had time.

He stopped walking when he reached the house at the end of the block. Both cars in the driveway, toys scattered in the grass of the front yard, the noises coming from inside clearly audible from where he stood: in other words, exactly the same as always. After a moment, Dean mustered enough courage to walk up and knock on the front door. Almost a whole minute passed before a woman opened the door and smiled when she saw the boy standing in front of her.

"Hi, Dean. Nice to see you. Castiel is in his room, you can go on up."

"Thank you", he whispered weakly before turning and climbing the stairs. He knew the layout of the house as well as his own, yet now he felt as though he were in some foreign land, strange and unpredictable. The distance from the top of the stairs to the end of the hall seemed to have doubled, and he could feel his hands shake as he knocked once more.

"Come in", came a voice that was familiar, but not the one he had expected. Dean opened the door and stepped in.

Castiel was on his bed, reading whatever book he was working on at the moment. On the opposite side of the room, on the bottom portion of their shared bunk bed, sat two of his brothers. All three turned to look at Dean when he entered.

"Uhm....hi...", Dean stuttered, nodding at Cas.

"Hi."

Castiel stared coldly at his friend, having abandoned his book and sitting up with his legs crossed.

"Can-can we talk ?"

They stared in silence, Dean gripping the strap of his bag for dear life, before Cas spoke again.

"Gadreel, Samandriel, out."

"What, no fair ! This is our room too !" Gadreel protested.

"You can either leave quietly or I'll tell mom about the other night in the school parking lot", Castiel threatened, to which Gadreel pouted and dragged himself out, Samandriel at his hip. Dean closed the door quietly behind them.

"What do you want ?" Cas demanded, narrowing his gaze on him again.

Dean tried to swallow and realized his mouth had gone dry. His breathing was quick and short, bordering on panicked. He wiped his palms on his jeans and dropped his head, unable to continue their staring match. This was so much easier in his head. He had planned to come in and be Mr.Tough Guy, as always, and be calm, cool, and collected. He'd say all the right things and sweep Cas off his feet, be the hero of this story. That's what he was always taught, right ? Get the girl, save the day, and live happily ever after ? Except this wasn't a normal situation, and Cas was no damsel in distress. Quite the opposite actually; Castiel was fairly confident and independent, not taking any of Dean Winchesters shit any day. That's the whole reason they were even in this mess. Dean Winchester and his stupid "ladies man, womanizer, ultimate player" attitude had finally been defeated by Castiel "no fucks given" Novak.

With any other girl, Dean would've been over it by now. Moved on to someone new, someone hotter. Each girl would last a couple weeks, a month if they were lucky, before Dean would inevitably get bored and cheat or break up with them. And on the rare occasion that he would actually catch feelings for whoever it was he was screwing, they were usually the one to leave him. As was the case with Cassie in seventh grade, and Lisa in ninth, and now Castiel. Castiel, the boy who went to the park every day each summer to watch the bees. Castiel, the boy who, despite his attitude and outward appearance, loved his brothers and sisters more than anything in the world. Castiel, the boy who Dean Winchester had grown up with and slowly but surely fallen in love with. Stupid, beautiful, Castiel.

Dean had only ever had feelings for girls before, so realizing the way he felt about his best friend was troubling. Especially when he couldn't go two seconds without reminding himself of his fathers words, his degradations of "those kinds of people". He knew what would be the outcome of letting John find out about his thoughts and urges, but at the same time he felt that if he had to keep everything to himself for one second longer he'd explode from the stress of it all. So he told Cas how he felt. And there must be someone watching out for him because for some reason Dean has yet to figure out, he reciprocated, which was more than Dean would've ever dared to ask for. As eager as he was, he forced himself to stay grounded and be realistic. The two of them had a long conversation about how their relationship was to be "discreet" and "very subtle". In other words, absolutely no one was allowed to know that they were together. Which was ok, obviously. Castiel was fine with seeing each other in secret.

What wasn't fine was walking out of the back entrance of the school one day to see Dean pressing some cheerleader up against the bleachers with his tongue down her throat.

The sight had been upsetting, to say the least. Upon realizing he was caught, Dean had whipped around and tried to defend himself. Something about impressing his dad and maintaining a reputation. It was all bullshit. Cas had ignored him and continued walking.

It had been two months since the incident and they had barely spoken to each other. Dean grew more and more miserable every day. He had made a stupid fucking mistake and now he was paying the price. And he wasn't mad. He knew it was his fault and Cas had every right to be angry with him. But he wanted to fix it. He wanted to tell Cas how sorry he was, even if he didn't believe him or didn't want to listen. It was more than worth it to try. Dean was lucky enough to have him in his life, to let him slip through his fingers would be a grave mistake. So here he was, stood in front of the love of his life, looking like a total idiot, trying to find the words to say.

"Well ? I'm waiting ?" Cas stated. He looked bored, as if he had a thousand things he would rather be doing than sitting here talking to him.

Dean glanced around, looking at anything but Cas. He should've been more prepared. He should've thought about what he wanted to say, maybe even written it out. Then he could explain it clearly. The feeling he gets when their eyes meet in a crowd of people. The way his stomach flips when he hears his name come from his lips. The smile that he can't help but form whenever he does the classic Castiel head tilt with his eyes squinted in confusion. How do you put something like that into words ?

"Dean, if you're only gonna stand there and waste my time, just-"

"I want to hold hands with you", he says suddenly, causing Cas to stop.

"You what ?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

"I....I want to hold hands with you. I want to be close to you and I want to sleep next to you and I want to come home to you but I can't. I can't and it fucking hurts. You know me, Cas, you know that I'm a fucking idiot and I care way too much about how my dad sees me and how Sam and our friends and the whole world sees me. And for some reason I don't....I don't want them to see me like that. So I-I-I push it down and I put on this act all the time. And it sucks."

Cas had stood up and made his way towards him. Dean hadn't realized he had started crying until Cas reached up and wiped at his tears. He couldn't help it. Suddenly all of the feelings he had ignored for the majority of his life broke free and were forced into him all at once. Dean took shaky breaths, his chest burning both from the relief of letting everything out and the rush of having Castiel so close to him. He held Cas's wrists in his hands and looked him in the eye.

"I'm an asshole. I'm a jerk...and a dickhead. I don't deserve you at all. And it's ok if you don't....it's ok if you don't want to forgive me. But I want you to know how sorry I am....I love you, Cas. You make me happy and I appreciate you. And I'm sorry."

Dean stopped and looked at him, although the tears clouding his vision made it hard to make out the details. All of a sudden, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's shoulders and pulled him in, forcing him into a hug. Dean placed his arms on Cas's back, wanting to be gentle but also yearning for the touch. Cas gave a small chuckle before speaking up.

"You're an idiot, Dean Winchester."

Dean smiled and buried his face slightly into Cas's shoulder.

"I know." He relaxed into the embrace and for once let himself forget about everything else in the world.

In that moment, the only thing that mattered was them.