Suicidal EveryTime

#6 January 27th 2021

Disaster at its finest...

    I lay alone in my bed every night singing you'll get better in my head. I can't leave my room cause I'm afraid...

    I'm afraid if I leave this room I'll be doomed.

    My mother told me a few weeks ago my life didn't matter, that i was a mistake, that i couldn't be happy or make people happy.

    My mother struggles with taking to much medication... So I have taken care of her for the past 8 year mind that im only 21... I found a guy I like and was dating him... We started daring on Christmas cause christmas is always the worst time of the year for me... He made it better!

    My father never cared always told me i was lying when I had to drive my mom to a hospital cause she almost over dosed but then told the doctors she just head a headache... I didn't even have a license the first time it happened... So I devoted my life to taking care of her...

    In November 2019, I moved to my uncles house to try and leave it all behind cause my dad told me to leave he'd take care of it'...

   Sure so I left my uncle being a manipulative person not even knowing what I was getting into. Sold me a car made me leave his house when I wasn't ready. Going to give me Wi-Fi even though I was starting my career as a streamer. Sold my car a couple weeks ago and didn't even call me. I moved back a couple months ago because he wouldn't let me move back into his house when I lost my apartment.

    I ended up trying to fix my parents again. This time when I came back though I brought my girlfriend Karma she broke up with me to go out with one of my best friends. I was happy before her but then made out with my adopted sister. And then kept going out with my best friend like nothing happened. I miss her but I was still good friends with her while she was here and she lives with me we still share to bed because it's all we had.

     She left a couple weeks later after she came back with me. She told me I didn't deserve her. I mean what didn't I deserve I let you go but you date my best friend I said nothing when you kiss my adopted sister. I gave you the world. Then you gave me an hour to say goodbye.

    A couple months past and I was playing video games with my real sister and we're playing Among Us the video game on our mobile phones. We met someone my sister started dating him a week later. She refused to talk to him so I talked to him for her making the relationship better I thought. But what was actually happening he was falling for me and I was falling for him. My sister finally told me that she didn't want him and I told her then break up not even thinking that I liked him too.

    So me and him still being friends I didn't think it through. A month and a half past and I asked my sister if I could date him, she smiled and said go for it and then gave me a bunch of warnings. So I told him we have the go from my sister. A couple more months passed and we became a thing on Christmas 2020...

    Then couple weeks later I was watching my family my mom was having surgery in Oahu. All of us getting along fine not even realizing that she's the one tearing us apart. When she got home I took her medicine and set alarms for every 4 hours to give it to her so then my younger sister didn't have to adopted sister probably would have ended up taking the medicine.

    And so I went to fill her prescription about a week later after I've been taking care of her. And it wasn't ready. I called her and told her and she started yelling at me on the phone like it was my fault. So she got mad at me when I got home and there is only two pills left because she took an extra one when I wasn't paying attention or when I was trying to sleep. She even admitted to it. So I passed out gave her the last pill that she had and I said take it if you want but you won't be able to have more medicine until tomorrow at probably noon ish maybe 2 p.m. so she took it.

    She called Michael and Shirley the two people that gave my mom STI and shared it with my father. They all claim to be Christian people, but why would you fool around with people you don't even know if they have anything. And surely brought over my mom's medicine I just gave it to her knowing she has a drug problem. I woke up around noon she already took around 4-5 pills and she only gets 30 a month.

    She knew I would get upset and she wouldn't give me the rest of the medicine so I said fine then leave, if you won't give me your medicine to take care of you I want you to leave I don't want you bringing down anyone else in this house. I'm the only one that can speak up to you because everyone else is too scared that you'll kick them out. I have a house to go to so I'm not worried. She already kicked me out twice.

     I called Michael and truly and told him to come get her. I took away my TV because she yelled at me and took away my car. As she came out from her room... She looked at me it said I was worthless, a mistake... but the best thing to ever happen to me was my sister that's the only reason she had her was to give me a friend. But what she gave me was someone to take care of, what nobody realized was that I was taking care of everyone. I didn't get a normal childhood I mean I got sleepovers and got to hang out with friends sometimes most of the time though I would worry constantly and my parents would fight if I ever had sleepovers or friends over.

    She said I would never make anyone happy. That I was the only reason she stayed with my father. That she should have just left me with him..

    Was I really that much of a hassle?

    Did I really cause this much pain taking care of you?

    Maybe I should just not be here?

     I really can't make anyone happy can I?

     My whole life I thought my father was the one tearing me apart but it was actually my mother trying to play the hero that made my father look evil.

     I broke up with him around the 12th I got drunk that night I cried all night long in front of my adopted sister's friends. I've even told them they were cute because I played Xbox.

     I avoided medicine for my whole life because I didn't want to end up like my mom. But thinking about it anxiety medicine or depression medicine could help me why am I avoiding it....?

      I'm scared to leave my room I'm afraid of what I might do. I quit nicotine I quit drinking I quit thinking altogether. Going through withdrawals Karma he wouldn't even talk to me even though he told me everything was fine.

     But yesterday I was going to end it all... Then He said hi... I broke into tears crying all day... He was sick and head to sleep but if i was awake he'd play games with me. So I stayed up for him till 7am my time when he said "I'm up wanna play games?"

     Of course I said sure... I waited 10 hours for him to text me back... Of course I was going to say yes...

     Last night I asked him to wait for me while I figured things out... And told him what my mom said to me. He asked me... "Did you break up with me because you thought you weren't enough?"

     I said "I am not enough for you... No yet at least..."

     He said he would wait...

      But I'm still scared every time I leave the bed room I lock myself away in all day... I hear the voice of my mother "why don't you just go die!?!".... Fly though my thoughts... Is that all i was...

     I thought you loved me...

     So I stay I need help please help me please... I cant always control what i am to do... If i disappeared what would happen to my dogs... Would they be ok... I need help... Please someone help that will look at me and see more then a broken heart... More then a empty mirror...

Help me please... R u even there?