Perish

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he loves me and i love him back, but i'm not sure it's in the same way. i'm not sure it ever will be. he loves me in the way that he'll let me hurt him, over and over, if it makes me happy. he'll work himself to death to give me everything i want in life. he loves me obsessively, yet gently. never pushy and never expecting anything in return. however, i love him differently. i will manipulate and hurt anyone who hurts him. i will protect him, even if it means putting my life at risk. i will stay by his side no matter what, and i have. i'll love him in a way that he feels that he will never have to want for someone to be by his side. i'll love him in a way that i've loved no other man before him, and in a way that i will never love anyone after him. i show him understanding and i show him new ways to see the world every day. i want him to see how beautiful the world is, how beautiful he is. he will never see the beauty in either, but that will never stop me from trying. he sees the beauty in me, though. apart, we are amazing and wonderful. we are strong and independent and we are admired by many. together, we start off lovely. sweet words, firm hugs, soft kisses. he lets me know i am wanted, and i let him know he's important. but slowly, we start to wither. no longer are his words to me sweet, but rather harsh and angry. "you're too needy", he would always say to me. i know i's true, but he said it wasn't a problem before. "you never listen, you never speak to me", i would say back. he wouldn't understand. he never did, wouldn't even try. his arms around me, which used to feel safe and comforting, now feel cold and fill my whole body with dread. i still loved him, and he did me, but we were no longer lovely. we were poisonous to each other. tore each other down, little by little, each day. i told him i hated him. he felt the same. he wouldn't tell me, but he showed me in everything he did. the way he sneered at me, the way he brushed off anything i'd said to him. we let ourselves fall apart and become strangers. we'd pass by each other and pretend we'd never met. a fresh start. it was easy until one day it wasn't. i longed for his attention. just look at me, i would plead silently. he never did. little did i know, he longed for the same attention from me. yet, we were both afraid of rejection. afraid of repetition. we both knew how it would end up if we met once again, but still, we yearned for that love and pain so often. he was, and still is, my everything. and i am his. but i will never love him the same way i did before. just how i begged him for an ounce of his affection, he now does to me. he longs for me to look at him how i do the sky on a rainy day. he so badly wants me to analyze him for hours like i do art. i refuse to give him that satisfaction again. i know it hurts him, and i hate it, but in a sick way i also love it. hurt. feel the same pain you made me feel. want for me and my love so badly that you'd die for it. then perish.