*Trigger warning, self harm*
That pain, the pain i felt that night, is a pain that I will never forget, It's a pain that never fades away. People say that the solution for heartbreak is time right? I guess it's a bit true, except that it didn't get better, the pain never lessened, I just learned how to numb it better, how to hide it better.
When I slid down that door, my eyes filled with tears that stained my face forever, my heart broke so badly I could feel it break down inside me. It wasn't just emotional pain at that point, it hurt me so much it turned into physical pain, or that's what i made it into. That's what I do to numb the emotions now, turn the mental pain into physical pain.
I used to do this before x-factor. But there was someone that helped me through it. I trusted him so much I let him see them, I let him kiss each and one of my scars, let him touch them, let him check everyday to see if there was more added. I trusted him with my deepest darkest secrets.
I'm in the bathroom, on the floor, blood dripping down my leg. I get a towel and wet it a bit, wincing when I run it over my scars. I used to do it on my wrist, now I do it on my hips so that no one sees. I live alone, obviously, so I can do it as much as I need to without anyone questioning why I go to the bathroom so often.
Honestly what has my life become? I used to be a smiley 16 year old with never ending dimples and the curliest hair ever seen. I wasn't ever putting on an act, every smile was true. Now it's rare for me to have a genuine smile, it's not just what happened in the past, it's everything today, being in a glass closet, I get sexualized and labeled as a womanizer wherever I go, people think i'm dating every girl im seen with even though i've told them im unlabeled, I cant wear what i want without someone bashing me on social media and my management doesnt let me do something about it cause im supposed to be "civil". Really? I have to be Civil? Do they know how many people look up to me? How many people started loving themselves for who they are and expressing themselves with no regrets.
That's who i used to be, for just a little bit. My management tricked me, when One direction finished. They knew what I wanted, instead they fooled me into thinking i'll be out and proud. Instead i'm in a fucking glass closet. I used to love who I am, be proud, have no regrets. Now i just hate it, I hate that i was torn apart from my one and only, I hate that I cant just go out and wear a fucking dress without someone calling me gay. I hate that I can't be normal and love a girl like I love that boy.
I got all the girls, but I just wanted the boy
_*_*_
A/N: Hey loves, I hope the warning I gave was enough I know this chapter kinda came out of the (louis) blue. Anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I will be updating more as soon as I can. Love you all and take care of yourself.
YOU ARE READING
If I Could Fly (Larry Stylinson)
Fanfiction***FINISHED*** Pain, sorrow, depression. It's all the superstar has known except the buzz of shows when he can actually be himself. Even that's fake sometimes. You probably have a question, why? Why is he so depressed, why can't he find happiness? H...
