Headaches, Malfunctions, and funny little Skeletons.

98

Blood is thicker than water. This is true.
A family bond ties you together for life, siblings for example carry the same DNA, for obvious reasons.
My earliest childhood memories are of me and my siblings, that I can remember.
See I've got a certain kinda of thinking style, sort of a knack to trap things in boxes and push them away. This is normal for children with traumatic childhoods, but lately I've realized my good memories are missing too, the ocean sweeps all the sand back in and only manages to leave very few seashells for the naked eye to see.
You see my goods are mixed with the bad, and in some areas I have half sand dollars and naked crabs instead of full spiral shells and clams I don't have the proper knowledge to name.
I'm naming off things like the people in front of me know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about misplaced memories and childhood trauma, traumatic memories falling apart in front of me, sand at my feet-
I have a brother.
Two years older than me, he's got a biblical name, a quarter black from our mother and full black from our grandpa. I lost him when I was 5- he was 7, he came back to me in grade 5 but I only got to enjoy him for 2 years then I left. But by the time I got him back the first time our bond was already shattered. You see we used to play basketball together, I'm freakishly tall in ways most females aren't and I'm a spitting image of my blood. Our bond is, was, is supposed to be thicker than water.
I cheered on a team that was connected to his basketball career as a 5th grader and I only ever cheered for him.
That's one seashell, one that dazzles in the sky, one that you can turn on every angle and it's beautiful all over.
I would climb mountains for my brother, the boy that looks just like me even though our fathers are two completely different men, the universe put my brother and I together. We were meant to be siblings.
But I've got a sister too, 3/4 black and all curly coils. She is beautiful.
My blood, my life, my legacy, I'll leave it all to her and her beauty.
But when I left, I left her to fend for herself. The half brother I so desperately try to protect here where I live, I try to do the same for her and I feel like I'm drowning in this sea, I've got one too many seashells that are damaged and broken and my mind is so so cloudy its about to rain on this beach and I can't go home yet,
Yet she sees me, for all I am and everything I was meant to be. I love my sister.
I love my sister because when I left she was young enough to know it hurt to see me leave but she knows now- 5 years later it was my only option to take and I envy her spirit. I envy the life she chooses to live.
My brother, my first ever friend the one person I was meant to grow old with, share a crockpot lucky lunch at a barbecue outside our mother's old house, he doesn't see it the same way an 11 year old does.
How does he not see it the same way an 11 year old does?
He's spitting dirt on my name like he's talked to me the past 5 years when he hasn't. He's using my name against our mother, shaking her to her core,
Of course I'm trying to see it from every other angle except what's right in front of me
In front of me is the recklessness Hes spewing, he's saying things that he's been holding in everyone has a right to feel the things they feel but never in my life have I ever called my sister a disgrace.
And he did just that.
That in which he so blatantly forfeited the title of an older brother, he forfeited that rights to being her hero, he forfeited the rights to ever ever ever see her grow into a strong independent black women, and I envy her,
For getting up in the morning the day after he said that to her when he left me crippled in my bed for days after not even saying "happy birthday, sis, welcome to adult hood."
Well this is adult hood so as an adult I give myself the right to tell you how it is, how it's going to be and how it should've been. You lack empathy Isaiah.
You lack it in more ways than one, my mother, yes I said my, has three core pieces to her heart, three tattooed hearts behind her ear and unfortunately for you, my name is printed against her forearm, so there fore I have more say, yes I'm pulling that card as the middle child I've spent my entire life crawling into spaces I shouldn't have been, and I shouldn't of been hiding when I heard all things you put our family through, but I'm grown now just like you're grown enough to know better. And if the universe put us together, then I want you to know that it was a mistake. Blood is thicker than water but I've been dehydrated my whole life, and I've never seen more clearly than I see right now. And I fucking hate the beach because of you.