Of Mornings And Promises

~

[1828]

You want to run.

He is standing right there, right in front of you, and he is looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to say what you came to say.

Run, screams a voice in your head. Don't do this.

It tells you something is going to go terribly wrong, and it tells you to leave while you still can.

But of course you ignore it; for aren't voices in your head always meant to be ignored, doesn't your stupidity always win over any semblance of sense in your head?

'Julian,' You ignore the voice in your head and take a deep breath. 'Julian, I must confess that my - my feelings towards you are more than platonic, and my intentions less than wholly pure.'

He breathes in sharply, but he shows no other signs of any emotion.

He stands still and silent.

Say something, you want to tell him.

Say something, says the voice in your head.

'Whatever do you mean, Lucas?' he asks quietly.

Your collar is ridiculously tight.

'I think you know perfectly well what I mean,' you tell him. 'Considering what we did last night. And the night before.'

Julian is being maddeningly silent.

'So?' you prompt.

'So, what?' he asks innocently.

'Julian,' you say.

In reply, his lips quirk into a smile, and before you know it, he is kissing you.

You feel giddy, you feel scared, you feel surprised, you feel disgusted, and you feel absolutely wonderful.

The voice, of course, is screaming nonsense at you as per usual. (It never stops doing that, really.)

But you ignore the voice in your head.

---

'I wonder sometimes - no, all the time - if what we are doing is right,' you say, with only the slightest bit of trepidation.

Julian's eyes are closed and he is blowing a smoke ring.

'You love me, yes?' He says, pipe clenched between his teeth. 'And I love you.'

'Yes,' you say.

'What does it matter? We love each other.' His eyes are still closed.

You are somehow not entirely convinced.

---

Green eyes are fixed on you, intense and unflinching, studying your every move.

'We,' says Julian, 'cannot do this anymore.'

He blinks.

'This must stop.'

For some reason, you are not as shocked or as distressed as you think you should be.

'And why do you think so?' you ask, staring back at him.

'I - I have decided to change my mind, and –' You spot the slightest hint of deceit in those green eyes.

'What prompted this very sudden change of mind, pray tell?' you ask standing up.

He opens his mouth, but you do not let him speak.