Glazed Doughnuts

CH 14: I Know Now...

Continued...

Gulf moved towards Mew and tried gripping his shoulders. Mew didn't know what this would lead to. He didn't know if he wanted to talk further. He was afraid that Gulf being this close to him would lead to just more pain in his heart. He was afraid that they will only quarrel worse. He didn't want to quarrel. Not with Gulf. It was like Mew's arms had a mind of their own and they pushed Gulf away from him.

Gulf's back hit the kitchen cupboards and he groaned lowly in pain. Mew's brain snapped to focus on Gulf. He moved to him. Gulf was confused by Mew's actions. He didn't understand just what did Mew want from him. "I'm sorry," Mew cried as he neared Gulf. Gulf was just looking at him, lost. "I did-dn't mea-an to hu-urt yo-ou," Mew said as he clutched his hands to Gulf's t-shirt sleeve. Mew cried worse. Why do I always end up hurting him!? Mew thought.

Mew's tears started flowing faster in guilt. He never wanted to hurt Gulf. But he always ended up doing so anyway. Gulf saw Mew's tears and had this sudden urge to comfort him. He himself was so broken but watching Mew like this was something he could not see. He didn't know why but he couldn't see Mew like this. The tears in Mew's eyes were the last thing he would like to see in the world. Last thing... because after that he won't know how to keep on living. He loved Mew too deeply for this world to comprehend. This man was too pure at heart for this world to deserve.

This purity was one of the things that stopped Mew from loving him back then. Mew knew that whomever Gulf would love will be the luckiest person alive. But Mew was too broken and too far in the dark for Gulf to reach. Gulf would only hurt himself if he wanted Mew. Mew's scars were deep, but he couldn't talk about them. He had to keep away from the world to stay away from being hurt anymore. Closing his heart was the best Mew thought he could do to protect himself. And opening the doors to that dark place would only bring hurt. And it did. The moment Mew wanted to open his heart's doors again, to let Gulf in, he was hurt again.

Gulf couldn't stand Mew's tears and apologies any longer. He forgot about his hurting back and leaned forward to embrace Mew. Mew leaned his head on Gulf's heart. It was beating like drums. Mew lowered his face because he didn't know how to face Gulf after what he just did. He knew that he pushed Gulf quite hard. He knew that Gulf's back was paining because he crashed against the cupboard. He knew he was the one crying worse among the two.

But he didn't understand why Gulf was still hugging him. Gulf should have pushed him away. Yell at him. But this man hugged him close instead. Just what had Mew done that Gulf was treating him so good all the time.

All his life, Mew thought that he's not very likable. He thought that he can't depend on anyone. Because he couldn't depend on his own family, let alone anyone else in the world. Then there came Gulf, his guardian angel. Gulf was the first one after his birth parents who was so fine with him being a weird one. He was a poppy in a field of daisies but Gulf still sat by him. Admired him. He never understood why anyone would accept him.

Mew didn't know if marrying Gulf was his best or worst decision. By marrying Gulf he got people he could call mom and dad again. He got a man who accepted him even after knowing his medical condition. Gulf treated him like being a hermaphrodite was as common as cough and cold. But marrying Gulf also brought him a big burden. A huge burden of guilt. Mew knew that Gulf loves him before the marriage. He still married him when he knew he couldn't love him any soon, or maybe never. Every time they had a quarrel, Gulf was hurt. And Mew would drown deeper in his pool of guilt and regret.

But still, Gulf was there in front of him. Holding him. Rubbing his back to comfort him. When Mew should be the one checking if Gulf was hurt, it was Gulf caressing him. He thought of himself as such a loser. "I never wanted to hurt you," Mew sobbed. Gulf smiled sadly. "It's okay. I'm fine," Gulf assured the crying baby. Mew lifted his head off Gulf's chest. "How can you be fine?! I always end up hurting you!" Mew cried again. Gulf was a stranger to this side of Mew, but he liked this one too.