Without you, this is hell

Your Voice

It was in 850, the year when humanity finally took back Wall Maria. For many people, that was one of the happiest days in their lifes. And why wouldn't it? Why would they be sad that they can finally go home again? But they're different from me. They didn't lose anyone. They don't hear voices in there head every single day. They don't see the faces of the dead everytime they look into a mirror. But I do. And I need that. I need them, as a reason to keep going.

First, I had to lose my mother. I didn't really had a strong band to her, but I lost her, and that was the beginning of my depressing life. Second, I lost my best friends, Isabel and Furlan. They were the first ones to haunt me, speaking and helping me, even though only from my old memories. Then, I thought it was finally over. I found new friends and him, Erwin Smith. For a long time, everyone appreciated me and none of my friends died. I slowly started to forget my past. The voices slowly stopped and my memories got blurry. Furlan and Isabel left me alone, but I found new people in the survey corps, the 'Levi Squad'. Even if we risked our lifes nearly everyday, I still had fun.But short after Eren joined us, my life got splattered again. 

Everyone around me dies, always. I don't even know how I can still be alive when everyone else is dead. My Mother, Isabel, Furlan, Eld, Oluo, Petra, Gunther. The only one who didn't died was Eren, but that was only because I rescued him. He would have died aswell. 

But the worst dead was his. I still remember the last words I said to him, and I still regret them. Why did I do that? I think that Erwin wouldn't had sacrificed himself and hundreds of soldiers if I hadn't pushed him forward.

"Give up on your dreams and charge to your death." 

The last words I ever said to my first and only real love, and the person I was the closest to in my whole life. His death hurt me even more then all the other ones. The voices of the others started to fade away while his voice stayed and got even louder. Sometimes, I don't know if i am imagining it or if he is really talking to me, even if he is only doing it in my head. Am I even sane anymore? I don't know if I even want to live on without him, but I know, I want die till I avenge him.

I layed in my bed and tried to hold my tears back. I couldn't sleep the whole night, even though I have one of the most important missions that ever happened in only a few hours. In less then three hours, us Paradise-Island-People will first see the other side of the ocean since we got here.

'Sucks I can't be there today', he said in my head. 

I couldn't completely hold my tears back and buried my face in my pillow. 

'Yeah, I think you could really helped. But Armin handled most of the plan together with Hange. I guess you could have even done it alone, though...'

He smiled at me in my thoughts. 'Do you still don't know how to feel about that day? It's okay, Levi. Armin deserved to live on. I didn't.'

I couldn't answer. Truth is, I hadn't even tried to figure out my feelings. I don't even want the pain to go away. Because, if I forget the pain, I'll slowly start to forgetting him. But like this, I didn't forget the smallest detail about him. I know how he sounded like, how he looked like, how he smelled. How he thought, how he brushed his hair in the morning, how he could look down and up to me at the same time, like noone else could do it. 

I sighed and looked at the clock right next to me. 

"3am, huh? I got three hours left to get atleast a little sleep."

I turned around again, and instantly tried to grad his Hand. But there wasn't anything. He was away and would never come back to me. Feeling so lonely as i hadn't felt in years, I tried to just close my eyes and forget it for the moment. But the moment I didn't see the reality anymore, a new one formed before my eyes.

Erwin, without any wounds, both arms, normal clothes and no pain in his eyes. He stretched his hand towards me, and smiled like he only did for me, even when he was still alive.

I opened my eyes again. I don't want to see things like that. They aren't real, and they never will be, not in this reality. 

This world is cruel. I knew that from the beginning, but I never could have imagined how cruel it might be. Finally, I couldn't hold back anymore and I just let the tears flow. there wasn't somebody who would've seen them anyways. I just laid in my bed that seemed cold and empty now where he wasn't there to fill it in. I let them flow till I was empty. No feelings, no regrets, no thoughts and no tears left. My pillow was wet and my eyes hurt from even looking at the small stripe of sunshine that slowly came in through my curtains. And while my eyes finally closed and I was able to come to peace, i thought:

'I'll avenge you, my love,"

A/N: Heyyyyy I tried to write something sad this time, pls tell me how you found this and what i could do better if you have some ideas. So, ummm, bye!