Update On Life

the past can't hurt me right?

Sat, jun 30/21
I don't know how much longer I can take it. It's been 3 years nice I last cut... But for some reason every time  I see one of my pencil sharpener my head keeps telling me to pull it apart and start cutting off and for years I've been trying my best to  annoyed it but now it gotten worse...
Right now while writing this I'm on my bed with my cat and dog on my side.. they are the reason I'm somehow alive.
I want to say two years ago I lost one of my dogs her name was cookie I believe he was over 20+ years old and dead from a infection on her stomach, she was with me since a was a small child(6). I got her when she was in her 10-13 years old I'm now 15 turning 16 in two months wow...
Anyway life right now is shit lol
I started therapy 4 years ago? If I remember right anyway my dad got all fed up with my shit and thinks I should get over it and to stop wasting his time by going to therapy so ever since then I have lied about how I'm doing and telling them that I feel better and shit like that I also have to watch how I acted cause one wrong move can get me back to therapy and we don't want that now, I spend so much fucking work on pertaining everything fine so I can get out of therapy.
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To be honest I'm not in the right mind place right now.
When I was a young  my mother was in a abusive relationship with my dad and everytime my mom tryed to leave they'll get into a really bad fight and lil me would watch the whole thing go down. I don't remember much due to being a small child and growing up made me be really overprotective over my morther.. lucky my mother got out and found someone also.
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Childhood

When I was around 7? I had two best friends at the time they we're twins they  were boys.
We stuck like glue haha...
There was an accident that happened on the bus when we we're all going home I remember this like it was yesterday... It was a suny day the sky was clear like the blue ocean , no cloud to be seen I sat in the middle while the twins sat in between me then one of the twins stated to left up my shirt up and the other one join on touching my body, being a little kid and not knowing what to do I was shocked and afraid to move but I didn't want anymore touching so I screamed calling for help  but back then I had a soft voice so nobody heard me calling for help so i realised no one was going to help me so I tryed my hardest to push them away and I crowded under the bus set to get away, i crowd two sets away where I was safe.
Ever since that happened I was scared of men also their dad was a pedo due to him touching me when I came over to their house but luckily after what happened to me on the bus and telling my parents about it they moved away.
I took 2 year therapy to get over my fear of men.
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