Faded

ch. three

I didn't even bother going to class after that. I called my mom and told her that I got bad diarrhea and was vomiting. She offered to pick me up, but I said maybe fresh air would help me and so now, I'm walking home. I prefer this anyway, it gave me time to think. But, maybe that was a bad idea considering my soul got crushed and I got gaslighted.

Why am I not enough?

Was I too short? Was I too fat? Too skinny? Too muscular? Too masculine? What was wrong with me?

A million thoughts racked my brain as I tried identifying the reason why I would never be enough for my mate. My beautiful, merciless broody boy.

I let out a dreamy sigh when thinking about him, but quickly shook my head when I realized he's not mine. He will never be mine. I can't believe the attachment I developed for him when I had just realized I was his mate. Maybe it's all those obsessive thoughts I had of him when I was hardcore fangirling over him in middle school.  Not in a stalker, weird way, but like wondering how his last name sounds with my name type way.

Marley Okamoto. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Okay, maybe not so much. Maybe that's why he rejected me, our names don't sound good together?

No, that's so stupid. Almost as stupid as me still obsessing over him after he basically told me I'm worthless. I can't help this magnetic pull I feel towards him. My mind can't help, but to think about him. My body can't help, but to submit to him. And I... I can't help, but to love him with every fiber of my being. Ugh, why am I so stupid. Marley, you're stupid. Stupid. Stu-

I was taken out of my thoughts as I felt a drop fall on my face. Then another and another. Oh, it's raining. There were gray clouds blocking the sun as rain started to pour. A gloomy day.

"Even the sky's crying," I remarked, sarcastically. As if the storms heard my mockery, they poured down harder, the little rain droplets coming like bullets.

Cursing under my breath, I didn't even attempt to shield my body from the rain. Instead, I trudged on as I got soaked by the rain. My hair started curling up even more and getting frizzier the more rain came in contact with it.

Hey, at least I don't need to worry about my makeup getting ruined... Mostly for the fact that I already smudged it due to me rubbing my eyes trying to stop the tears from flowing.

As I continued walking, I started shivering. The cold seeping its way into my bones, but weirdly, I couldn't feel it. Or maybe I just couldn't find it in myself to care. Mid-way through my trek, I felt a little anxious and jittery, my body communicating its need to morph.

I realized I haven't shifted in awhile. I didn't notice the knots that formed in my muscles from my lack of shifting sessions I had. I had been too preoccupied with feeling shitty that I denied my soul and innerwolf with time to play in her form. I always loved shifting, I loved my other forms, but this is yet another thing that I began losing love for. I felt no pleasure in the simple things, or anything for that matter. It just reminded me of the constant pain I felt.

The bond I had with my wild was not as strong as it was before. I never paid mind to it, but now as I focused my attention to my other form, I realized how much my spirit was diminishing. I realized how little it had gotten.

From a young age, all wolves learned about the connection with their wild. We're taught to care for it by taking care of ourselves. We are taught that, although it is a separate entity, it is us. It's our spirit and it's part of our soul and let me tell you, I haven't cared about my soul recently. They taught as that each of our spirits have a bond with another, which is where the concept of mates was formed.

They never really warned us how much pain we would be in if we were to get rejected...

I continued to mindlessly think as I made a beeline for the trees, preparing myself for my shift. Soon, I was surrounded by blurs of brown and green. The colors looking as vibrant as ever even in this gray weather. The earth was muddy beneath my feet, taking off my shoes and sock, I dug my toes into the wet ground and relished in the cool sensation it left me in. The smell of wet earth and nature wafted into my nose. I always loved the smell after a rainstorm, it made me feel safe.