A New Type Of Strong

Clint took in a shaky breath as he reached his house. They had done it, they won, his family was alive and safe, but there was a hole in his heart that could never be filled. The guilt he felt over Natasha's death had fueled him through the battle but coming home, he suddenly felt all of the pain and grief that he had been suppressing for days.

He put on a happy face for his kids and went inside to greet them. Giving them the biggest hug they'd ever received in their lives. He wanted to hold them and never let go, never leave them alone ever again. The pain of losing them was too much for Clint, it had driven him past his breaking point, he killed people.

That night Clint left the house to go sit outside by Nat's favorite tree. She used to go there whenever she visited, she would just sit enveloped by the peace and quiet of the countryside. So different from her own life she cherished those quiet moments she could have out here.

Clint sat down and closed his eyes allowing his feelings to take control for the first time. As he sat there he began to cry, not out of frustration or anger but of sadness, and loss. His best friend, who had been with him through everything, his closest family, his partner. She was gone.

Clint tried to remind himself that she sacrificed herself, that it was her choice, that she saved everybody, but no matter how many times he repeated it to himself he could never shake that feeling. The feeling that it should have been him, that he should have died. She still had so much life left, she had just gotten a family, just started to feel as if she belonged, that she had a place in the world.

Clint remembered Natasha had always said that she had no place in the world but Clint knew that it was not true. Her place was as an Avenger, as his family, Auntie Nat to his kids. She saved people, fought for what was right. She was a leader, and a total badass.

Laura came out to find Clint by the tree. "Nat?" she whispered, barely audible. She needed conformation, even though it was evident by how Clint looked. All Clint could do was cry. Tears sprung up in Laura's eyes as well. She loved Natasha like a sister, she was a part of the family.

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The next day, Clint and Laura were sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast when Lila spoke up. "Daddy? When is Auntie Nat coming to visit? You said that you would bring her next time". Clint wanted to yell at her, for being insensitive but he remembered that she is just a little girl, and that she did not know yet.

"Honey, Auntie Nat is dead sweetie. She died saving the world.... Trying to bring you back" Clint said, choosing his words carefully.

Tears sprung up in Lila's eyes. "No" she whispered. Cooper had disappeared out of the room, and Nate, well he was still too little to understand.

At the mention of Natasha Nate looked up from his coloring page. "Auntie Nat? When is Auntie Nat coming?" Nate asked.

"She's not coming home sweetie. Auntie Nat is in heaven so she can't come to visit us anymore. But I promise you she is watching over all of us." Laura said gently Nate and Lila. She spoke to the kids but she also thought Clint needed to hear it. He needed somebody else to tell him it was okay.

"I'm going to check on Cooper," he said, getting up and heading to check Cooper's room. He was not in his room but Clint looked out the window and saw Cooper over by the tree. He sighed and made his way over.

Clint sat down with Cooper and they sat in silence for a while. "Did she suffer?" he asked suddenly.

"No. It was quick, and entirely her choice.... She did it so I could see you again" Clint said. He chose to leave out himself almost sacrificing himself. Cooper did not need to know about that.

Suddenly Cooper began crying. "I should have spent more time with her. I ignored her whenever she visited and thought I was too cool to hang out with her" he sobbed. "I just wish that I could go back and tell myself to value the time I got with her...... that every minute counts"

"Ohhh Cooper" Clint pulled his sobbing son into a hug. "Hey. She loved you, even if you did not spend as much time with her as Lila. Okay? You did nothing wrong, wanting to be alone is a part of growing up. She understood that."

"That does not change how guilty I feel. It was selfish of me, she barely came over as it is, and now.... She will never be back. I'll never get to apologize Dad!" Cooper cried.

Clint said nothing, he just sat there and let Cooper cry into his arms.

Meanwhile, inside Lila was sitting quietly staring at the wall. She had a blank look on her face, as if she had simply shut off at the news. When Clint came inside he went to sit next to her, to give her the chance to talk if she needed.

She looked at Clint's face, his tear filled eyes and an expression on his face that was super sorrow. "She's really gone isn't she?" Lila whispered, tears springing to her face.

"I'm afraid so".

"I wish I could have said goodbye" she sighed. "If I had known, I'd have made that last goodbye extra special. Given her the biggest hug and told her that she is always gonna be part of my family"

Clint smiled at his daughter. She was so thoughtful and sweet, and she knew Nat better than he thought. She needed reminding that she had a family, that was just how she turned out, but whenever she was with his family she was always more lively, more animated. Clint was impressed that Lila could see through that facade, and even more impressed that she knew how to help Natasha through it.

"She loved you kid" Clint said pulling her into a hug.

"I know" Lila whispered. "She died a hero, the strongest one I know..... And I know a lot of heroes"

"She did. And she died with a clean slate. All that red she talked about.... It's gone. She did what few have managed to do, she turned around and became a better person"

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A week later the Barton Family was gathered for Tony's funeral. It was a nice ceremony, and afterwards, Clint and Wanda found themselves sitting on the bank of the lake looking out at the view. "I just wish I could tell her... That we won" Clint said. The tears had passed but the grief was still pretty fresh. It was for both of them, Wanda was mourning for Vision, whom she loved and for Natasha, who had personally trained her and became her mentor.

"She knows.... They both do" Wanda replied.

"You're always welcome at my house if you need anything," Clint said, looking at the girl beside him. "You still need to meet Nate". She smiled a bit at the mention of Nate, who was named after her brother.

After a few minutes, Lila walked over and sat next to Wanda She sat quietly for a minute before speaking. "Why don't they talk about Auntie Nat like that?" she asked.

Clint and Wanda both exchanged shocked looks. "You told me she died a hero, that she died to save us, so we could come back. So why is nobody talking about it like they do about Mr Stark?" she said angrily.

"That's a good question Lila, and I don't have an answer for you. I wish I did, but it's hard to know. You need to remember that Nat's inner circle was much smaller than Tony's and her death much more private. She died before everybody was brought back, so I don't even know if they've all realized...." he trailed off.

"How'd you find out Wanda?" Lila asked the older girl.

"Your Dad told me." she said nodding towards Clint who's attention had been stolen by a gorgeous sunset. "She was the strongest person I knew, I saw her and wanted to be strong myself..." Wanda said, her accent slipping for the first time in years.

"You are strong, a different type of strong. It's better I think. To be strong like you"" Lila whispered. "You and Auntie Nat, you're the type of strong I want to be. I don't care if I can rip a log in half with my bare hands or can run really fast without getting tired. I don't even care if I am a perfect shot. I want to be strong enough to go through trauma, and come out the other side stronger. I want to be strong enough to change my ways if they are ever flawed. I want to be strong enough to sacrifice myself for those I love most if I ever needed too. That's the type of person I want to be".