Chokehold

Kang Minhyuk - Death is a Bad Joke

"If I had a nickel for every time I wished I was dead, I'd have enough money to pay for someone to kill me. Not that I couldn't do it myself. It's more that I don't always want to die. There are just these brief moments when there's no air in my lungs and no thoughts in my head and all I'm aware of is the rotting of my corpse as I creep closer to death. Day by day. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. It's during those dark hours that I long for the courage to plunge a knife through my own beating heart. It's at those times that I'm overwhelmed with the urge to take a walk along the train tracks, to linger beneath the surface of my bathwater a little too long, or to chase the contents of the medicine cabinet with a full bottle of cognac. It's like I said before, though; I don't always feel this way. Most of the time, I'm totally fine. Not recently, I have to admit. Lately, all I can think about is how Aspirin has an LD50 of 200 mg/kg. 200 mg multiplied by 70 kg is 14,000 mg/kg and 14,000 mg/kg divided by 325 mg is 43 tablets. All it would take is 43 little white pills and this would all be over.

"It's not like I hate my life. I don't exactly despise my job at the drugstore downtown, and college is going well. My friends are great, too. Ximen and Dani just started dating. Hugo finally moved out of his sister's apartment and in with Maro since Maro's old roommate moved down to Arizona. Claudia got a job at the new art gallery that just opened up across from the bank Ximen works at. Then there's my boyfriend, Yechan. Things have seemed kind of off lately, but I can never tell with him. He's cancelled our last three dates for different reasons. My sister says that we're just going through a season and things'll be back to normal soon. Haerin's only fourteen, though, so I've never really taken her relationship advice seriously. My brother, Daejung, is seventeen but the only person he ever talks to is Haerin. I swear that guy doesn't even try anymore. My aunt Joohyun's pretty chill, but she's still kind of pissed that I dyed my hair again. It's not like I did something bright like last time when I stained half our pillowcases green. The box said this one's called 'silver lilac'. It seems more purple and less silver, though.

"Anyway, I digress. My point is that my life doesn't suck. Besides Yechan, I really don't have any reason to complain. I'm fine. I still have these random urges to smash my own head in with a brick, though. You know?" I sat back in the plush chair across from the psychiatrist Claudia had convinced me to see. Leon, as he had told me to call him, gave me a completely exasperated look.

"No, Minhyuk. I don't know." He leaned forward, steepling his fingers beneath his chin. "I think you're forgetting the part where just last week, you called your friend in the middle of a breakdown. She found you in your aunt's driveway doused in gasoline holding a pack of cigarettes and a lighter." Leon liked reminding me of this story. I think it helped him assure himself of his own mental stability. He'd already recited the account Claudia had given him three times.

"Yeah, but everybody has bad days. I'm fine now." I waved a hand dismissively, taking a sip of my herbal tea. "Honestly, Leon. Never been better." Leon sighed.

"What about your boyfriend? Yechan?" He asked and I glared at him over top of my mug.

"He's an asshole." I set my mug down on the table between us.

"I'm going to need a little bit more than that."

"What more do you want? He's a psychotic bastard with a fully-realized God complex. He's just gotten really good at hiding it." I cross my arms emphatically.

"Minhyuk."
"Mmm-hmm?"

"I'd like to write you a prescription for some antidepressants." Leon stood, moving over toward his desk in the corner. Pulling a prescription pad and a pen out from underneath the clutter, he turned back to me. "Is that alright with you?"