Chokehold

Haerin - Inconsequence is a Liar's Playground

The inside of my brother's car is permanently covered in glitter. It's in the seat panels, the cup holders, the CD port, the vents. Everywhere. He's had it professionally cleaned twice, but still the sparkly residue remains. It's the last remnants of when my other brother, Minhyuk, and I filled it to the brim with silver glitter and gold confetti the day he graduated. That was almost a year ago, back in June when I was finishing my first year of high school. Now, it's April. It's been just over seven months since Minhyuk died. Since he was murdered. As we sit in the prison parking lot, I stick my finger in one of the air vents and scrap some of the glitter off with my fingernail as Daejung watches me pensively.

"Are you going to come in with me?" I pull a knee up onto the seat, twisting around to face him. He grunts, flipping the collar of his jacket up. I roll my eyes. "I'll take that as a no." I remove my seatbelt and lean into the back to grab my bag. "I won't take too long. Don't wander off or anything." I slip out of the car, but just before I shut the door, Daejung blocks me.

"Be careful, Haerin."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. It's not like he'll get a chance to try anything." I close the door and turn towards the entrance. "At least, I hope not."

I have to show them my ID when I go in. The identification I have is my school ID. It was taken the day before I chopped all my hair off, and I'm wearing a bright yellow turtleneck. Definitely far from the most flattering photo of me.

"Haerin Kang," the man reads my name out. "Who are you here to see today, Haerin?"

"Yechan Im." I take my ID back from him and tuck it into my wallet.

"Alright. If you follow me, I'll take you to the visitation room." He opens a door to my left and I follow him through. We enter a room with brick walls that have been painted a watered-down shade of blue. The room is split in half by a plexiglass wall that's been separated into individual booths. In the booth to my far right, a middle-aged lady sits talking to a figure I can't see. "Wait here. Someone will bring him in." The man points to the booth in the middle before leaving through the door we just came through. I take a seat in the metal chair, draping my jacket and my bag over the back. My reflection in the plexiglass looks almost nothing like the girl in my ID picture. My shiny black hair falls just past my chin in crinkly waves, the top layer pulled back in a bun on the top of my head. I wear a lacy burgundy camisole and ripped black jeans with black combat boots. There's also a piercing in my septum that hasn't fully healed.

As my fingertips fiddle absently with the silver ring in my nose, Yechan enters. His expression lightens when he sees me. He takes a seat in the chair opposite me and picks up the phone on his side. I do the same.

"Haerin! It's been a while. You've changed." He takes in my appearance with a curious look.

"So have you." I cross my legs at the knee. Yechan's hair has gotten long, curling down around his ears and the nape of his neck. Bristly black hair dots his upper lip. I also can't help but notice the hollowness in his cheeks and collarbone.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" He runs a hand through his shaggy hair.

"Yesterday was April 23rd. Minhyuk's birthday." I lean my elbows on the counter, cradling the phone between my shoulder and cheek.

"I'm aware."

"He would have been twenty-two. Joohyun baked a cake and managed to cry the entire time she was icing it. We took a bouquet of white chrysanthemums to his grave. I just thought you should know that. That you killed someone who was supposed to live." I wish Daejung had come in with me. I feel so alone and exposed as I sit here staring into the face of the man who destroyed my family.

"I don't give a shit about what could have been. Minhyuk ruined my life," Yechan snaps.

"What are you talking about?" I ask and he sighs, leaning back in his chair.

"I wanted to break up with your brother. I didn't love him. I barely managed to tolerate him. The only reason I stuck with him was my parents." He's so casual. It makes me sick.

"What?"

"You heard me. My mom and dad loved Minhyuk. He was like the son they always wanted. They were convinced we were going to get married. In their eyes, Minhyuk was the one good thing I had going for me. If I got rid of him, I'd be nothing."

"You're a terrible person."

"You don't have to remind me. The one person I do love can't even look me in the eye anymore." Yechan presses his hand flat against the plexiglass, stretching out his fingers.

"Are you talking about Maro?" I haven't seen Maro since my birthday in February. He only came because Claudia forced him too, though. He's been keeping a distance from our family ever since Aunt Joohyun called him a scumbag at our New Year's Eve party.

"Yeah. You know, he's come to visit me twice now. Both times, he just sat there and cried like a pathetic little baby." Yechan's hand falls from the glass. "Even so, it was nice to see him. I miss him." His voice breaks halfway through the last part and he looks away.

"Is that why you killed Minhyuk?" The question slips from my lips like a wet bar of soap. "Because you didn't want to face the repercussions of breaking up with him, but you wanted to be with Maro?" Yechan's jaw tightens and his gaze remains fixed on some point to his left.

"Yeah," he murmurs. "I guess so. Did you know they bought us a house? It was this massive, sprawling estate with a fountain and an indoor swimming pool and everything. My mom had started shopping around for a company to design us a set of custom wedding rings. This was the only way out."

"No." I slam my open palm against the glass and he jumps, turning to face me. "No, that's not enough. That's not enough to justify what you've done. There has to be more than that."

"Sorry to disappoint, but there isn't. I'm just a cowardly asshole who didn't have the guts to stand up to his parents."

"That's bullshit and you know it!" I shout and Yechan leaps to his feet as the phone clatters onto the counter. His hands and face pressed up against the plexiglass, I can hear his shouting but not his words. I sink back in my seat as a pair of guards try to drag him away. He digs his heels into the ground, his eyes bulging from his head as he yells something I'm probably better off not hearing.

When I return to Daejung's car, he's halfway through a cigarette with the window down. Megadeth's "I'll Get Even" plays quietly from the stereo. I toss my bag into the back and zip my jacket up. Daejung grunts, tossing his cigarette out the window and reaching for the ignition.

"I'm fine." I click my seatbelt on. "He told me why he did it, but it seemed really half-baked. Almost as if he didn't really know why he did what he did." I lean forward, turning the stereo up.

"Maybe he was projecting all of his negative emotions onto Minhyuk without knowing it, therefore twisting him into something he wasn't," Daejung speaks his first full sentence in what's probably been weeks.

"That's bullshit," I growl.

"The world's a shitty place, Haerin, and we're all just a bunch of termites trying to tunnel our way through it."

"You know, you should talk more often. You sound like one of those philosophers Dad was always quoting." I nudge him and he grunts in reply. I lean forward to turn to music up as Daejung drives towards the gate.

"Me and me and me and me agree that you are gonna pay for what you did to me. Ah, I'll get even with you-"

"Gonna get even with you," I sing along.