Mom's Lessons

Chapter 1

Narcissist; A disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.

The whole reason I decided to write this was sort of petty. I had someone tell me, "You're not a narcissist, but you have narcissistic tendencies."

Now referring back to what my mother taught me when I was young, "Everything after but, is bullshit."

The reason this person decided that I had "narcissistic tendencies" I find quite funny. Frankly though, the whole conversation, I found completely sadden.

some degree, I do not.  I understandy", "Ethere'sit'swasn'tI was told

Here I am, as a 20-year-old woman in my second year of college. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do. I don't know what career I want, where I want to be, nor do I have a complex plan set out. This by itself can be nerve-racking. Add regular life problems like finances or relationships with people, and you seem to be a walking panic attack. Eventually, you find that drinking and drugs help numb these issues, then your high every day for a year because you're not using it for fun anymore, instead it's to be normal. You can't function without another drink, another drag.

I got to that point. Spent a year where I became a version of myself that was dwindled. My sparkle was gone, my ambition seemed to vanish, and I was stuck on repeat. Then I made one split-second choice that changed everything. It was scary and I felt like I had failed. Now I realize it wasn't a failure but just a lesson. The simplest thing I did, changed my perspective.

The bad things weren't bad, they were lessons to teach me. To move me in the direction I was supposed to go.

So I packed up my car and moved back home. I slowly quit the addiction that made me feel "normal" and that's when I came completely out of the fog. I had energy again, the ambition to try something new every day. Most importantly though, I learned that no matter what, I would be okay. That the move wasn't gonna kill me, maybe my pride, but I would live through it and it wasn't the end of the world. I would be okay. This was when I knew that I was the only one in control of my actions, my thoughts and that I had a choice. I was the one focusing on the negative, the things I couldn't do. The things that made me feel that I was trapped in a hell that I had chosen myself. I had chosen to stay because I was scared to admit, I had decided to live in my own personal hell.

My father had always told me that money would come, that everything would work out exactly how it was supposed to and if I just got quiet and listened I knew what those things were. I didn't fully understand him until after I had this experience of my own. Therefore my advice, "It'll be okay", meant more than just the three words. It meant, that no matter how hard you tried to beat down a door if it wasn't your door it wouldn't open.  if that door didn't open it wasn't the end of the world, that I just needed to change perspective. That life would be okay if I didn't do exactly what I thought I had to.

To explain, we tend to get so focused on one idea that we create a complete plan of how it will go down. That there are steps we need to follow to get to where we want to be and the moment that those plans don't follow through, we tend to push and push to make them happen. When all we need to do is turn around and see that there's already a door wide open, ready for us to walk through.

I had pushed and pushed to make a situation work that I wasn't happy in. Eventually, I was made to turn around. I had exhausted every possible idea I had to try and fix where I was instead of just realizing it wasn't where I suppose to be.

It took me two hours to completely change my life. It took me two minutes to realize I was beating on a door that would never open because I wasn't supposed to go through it. It took me two sec to decide I was moving and to leave my "new life".

Another reason I tend to use my well-worded advice of, "It'll be okay" was because I don't have all the answers. At my current age, I have barely lived. Technically, I only became an adult two years ago. How can I give advice that fits someone else life when I don't know the answers to my own? How can I give anyone answers when I don't walk in their shoes? The most important question I ask myself, how can I judge where they are in their situation to give them this advice?

This was where the person telling me what I was doing wrong, didn't take a moment to look at themselves. To look at why they were saying these things? When the truth in the matter was that they were exactly where I was. They didn't know what they wanted to do. They didn't know how to advise someone without giving their own experience with it.

I was taught at a very young age that when someone is pointing a finger, there is normally three pointing back at them.

I'm not saying this to put down the person who said these things to me. I'm saying this to show that everyone is at different stages in their life and that some are more comfortable focusing on others' problems than our own.

The true show of maturity isn't having a six-figure bank account, a house, or a family. The true sign of maturity is being able to look at yourself and see your own toxic behaviors. Then the next step is taking the actions to fix them.

Now, before I come off as saying I'm "holier-than-thou", during this conversation with this person I caught myself doing the same thing. I was pushing off everything this person was saying and replying in my head, well yeah bud but look at you. I had to make a conscious effort to stop myself from judging this person telling me everything wrong with me, and just listen. I had to make a conscious effort to stop replying because this person would never understand my situation. To realize that the only reason they were saying these things was that it was how they felt about themselves.

So, if there's ever a time where you are thinking you need to defend yourself or tell your opinion of someone, go through these questions with yourself first.

1. Will what I say truly reach this person?
One of the greatest lessons I learned was, most arguments are a waste of breath. You won't change someone's opinion, nor do you have the right to. Most people won't listen. If you find someone who does then be understanding that everyone is human and humble yourself with the idea that you don't have all the answers, for yourself or others.

2. How long have I know this person?
The person who told me all these things about myself hadn't even known me for 6 months. Rule of thumb, if you haven't known them for longer than three years, leave the advice out. Many say that if someone is in your life for seven years they will be in your life forever. Every seven years our bodies change, as do our thought processes. Someone you met three years ago, can be a completely different person now. They've gone through three years of events that you have no idea about because you aren't them. We all go through cycles in our life, so how can we say we know someone and can truly walk in someone's shoes when we've barely taken the time to get to know them?

3. Can I put myself in their shoes, one-hundred percent?
This one is a trick question, the answer is, you can't. Your shoes fit you for a reason and though some may be able to fit the size of your shoe, they won't make the same imprints in the soles. Therefore, when you give advice tread carefully because you didn't experience the mud those shoes went through. You didn't experience the miles they ran or the piles of shit that they stepped in. Your shoes fit you so the only person you can truly give advice to is yourself. Something that worked for you, won't work for others. We are all on our separate journies and although advice can be helpful at times, other times it can hinder someone's growth.

To tie all this together, my main point is that we only have complete control over one thing, ourselves. We can change our actions to fit our nightmares or to challenge the things that scare us most. What we can't do, is change others.

Focus on yourself and decide what advice is worth listening to while discarding the advice that someone is putting off onto you because of their insecurities. This is the hardest part because it takes time to rewire your brain.

You'll find your inner peace faster than you thought.