Love Letters to You [On Hold]

twenty one.

Entry #21
November 20th, 2034

My mom is worried about me. Prim is worried about me. Even Dana is worried about me, and I don't even talk to her anymore!

It's like everyone knows what you're doing to me, except for me.

You made me kill someone. A girl. She had to have been my age, if not, younger. We didn't even know her. We didn't even know who she was or what she stood for or what she wanted to be when she grew up.

But you made me pull the trigger.

And now I don't know how to live with myself. I cried that night, hard. I cried like I had never cried before, but you didn't cry. You didn't even shed a tear.

"Cal," you said. "I need to know if you're fully on board."

I wanted to do this so you could be proud of me, so you could accept me, so you could love me. I never want you to stop loving me, just like I'll never stop loving you no matter how bad things get.

I know something bad will happen because I can feel it. I can feel it prickling my skin every time I'm around you. I can sense the danger that emits from your skin.

But I can't leave you. What will that change? Leaving you won't make me any less gay. It won't make me any more straight. As much as I hate it, you're the only one who knows the real me. You're the only one who accepts the real me.

"I'm on board," I said between sobs.

Your lips tugged into a grin and your hand began to rub against my stomach. "I love you, Cal," you whispered to me. "You know that, right?"

I nodded slowly, trying to fight back the tears.

You dove into the crook of my neck and began to kiss me there. I wanted to let my muscles relax so I can fully enjoy your touch, but I couldn't. My mind was filled with the thought of us being bad people. Not only for being gay, but for murdering innocent people.

You lifted my shirt up suddenly and it made me snap my eyes to your emerald ones. "What are you doing?"

Your smile grew deeper. "I'm going to show you how much I love you, Cal." You swung a leg over my small frame and sat up abruptly, hands traveling down to the button on your jeans.

I swallowed harshly. "Nate."

You pressed your lips against mine before I could protest. "Don't speak," you breathed on my lips. "Just let me pleasure you."

So I did.

And if anything, it made me love you even more.