The Tuition Fee

Chapter 35: January, Year 4

Alina 

Today is January 30th. At 8:03 at night, my father passed away surrounded by his family. 

My mother, myself, and Nathan were all there with him. He'd been asleep most of the past week anyway, so we knew it was coming soon. He was vivid enough last night to give us his loving goodbyes, but I don't have the energy to think about that right now. 

All the paperwork was filled out. The funeral arrangements  made. That doesn't make any of this any easier. 

Nathan's mom took my mom home with her so she doesn't have to be alone. Derek, despite our ruined relationship, gave us both tearful hugs and condolences as we left. He was at my dad's bedside for over two years. I know he feels this loss almost as keenly as we do. 

It is now, I think, nearing midnight. I have a half-eaten bowl of soup in front of me that Nathan picks up and cleans out in the kitchen. We've both been crying a lot today, but he's been my crutch. He drove us there, he drove us home. He made dinner, even if it was just heating up a can of soup. He took the phone calls from Marissa and Reese that I couldn't face. He called Mr. Francis and Rach and Mary and has allowed me the time and space to grieve. 

I'm empty. I've been grieving for months and now I'm just... Empty. 

"Alina?" I glance up at Nathan holding his hand out to me. "Come to bed. Please, you're exhausted." 

I really don't think I'm going to sleep, but I take his hand anyway and follow him up the stairs. "Do you want to take a shower?" he asks softly. 

I can't actively remember the last time I showered, but I can also barely remember anything that happened just this morning. I've been wearing the same sweatshirt for three days, so it would probably benefit me to at least change clothes, but I don't think a shower could hurt. 

"Okay," I mumble. 

Nathan grabs me some clean clothes, undergarments, and turns on my shower. "Do you need any help?" Nathan asks, touch soft on my elbow. 

I sigh and shake my head, pressing my face into his chest. "You've been enough help today." Besides, I don't think I could handle having him undress me. My nerves are already frayed enough before bringing hormones into it.

He rubs my back and holds me for a few seconds before directing me firmly into the bathroom. "Call me if you need me. I'll be right out here." 

Somehow I manage the motions of a shower. I don't fall or drop the soap, and I don't cry. I towel myself off, change into the fresh clothes, and step into the hallway. Nathan is stretched out on his bed, texting on his phone. I step into his room, larger than mine with a slightly bigger bed, and crawl into the space next to him by the wall. He wraps an arm around my shoulders automatically, drawing me closer to his side. I've been sleeping in Nathan's bed for the past two weeks because frankly, I can't bear to go in my room and lay there alone. I can't handle being alone right now. 

He didn't even question it the night we went up to bed after a rather stressful day of work and school. Twenty minutes later I knocked on his door and crawled under his blankets like he had mine all those nights ago. Now it had just become a thing. Our thing. We didn't really discuss it, and we weren't about to now.

"Mom said your mom is sleeping, and they ate dinner together. Like ate-ate." He sets the phone down and pulls the blankets and sheets over me with one arm. 

I snuggle down further and tangle my legs with his, seeping in his warmth. I love the comforting smell of his sheets, fresh linens and cologne, and whatever natural order that graces the man next to me. "That's good." 

He rubs my arm absentmindedly, looking at the far side of his bedroom wall where there's a few different posters of sports teams and sports cars. There are a few pictures tacked up there too, various shots of him with his family, including one of him as a kid with his dad. 

"How did you handle it?" I whisper. "That loss... The hole left behind... How?" 

He presses his lips into my hair and holds me a little closer. "For a long time I didn't," he tells me honestly. "I pushed everyone away, secluded myself, wouldn't do anything. It- My family pulled me out. And some professional help, I think I've told you that once before. And it's cliche, but the more time that passed, the easier it got.  It's okay to feel how you're feeling Alina, it's okay to let it out. I'm right here." 

I didn't think I had any more tears, but they come and they're soaking Nathan's shirt instantly. "I thought I would be ready," I gasp. "But he's gone. He's gone and-and it's so ridiculous but all I can think about is how much of my life he's going to miss. My graduation, walking me down the aisle, holding his grandkids. Now it's just me and my mom. Alone." The sobs come and I don't bother to stop them. 

Nathan holds me tightly, letting me cry and sob into his chest. I clutch his own sweatshirt in my fists, gasping for air. He mutters soothing words in my ear and leads me through a breathing exercise that gets me calm enough to be able to breathe normally again. 

"When I drove you to the hospital a month ago, I was in the room when they brought your father in," he says softly. I look up at him, sniffling quietly. He hadn't told me this before. He gives me a small smile and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. "He told me that he was happy I was there with you, and that..." He hesitates, leaving his palm on my cheek. "He was proud to have met the man you're going to marry." 

My breath catches in my throat. He... He had said that? Neither of them had said anything to me about it, nor my mom. Tears come into my eyes again but for a completely different reason. I don't know what to say. But in this past month with Nathan at my side, I knew that the feelings I felt for him were stronger than just infatuation. It was love. I loved Nathan. But now was not the time to be telling him that. I could tell him later, when my heart didn't feel like it was going to burst out of my chest and my eyes weren't sore from crying. It would probably have to wait for the funeral too, only a few days from now, but I didn't have the capacity to think of that either.

So I lean my cheek into his hand and reach up, pulling his face down to mine and kiss him. 

We have kissed a few times in the past month, tangling up on the couch but never the bedroom. And never dare to go past kissing. And while I know this kiss isn't going to go any further, I know that it's different. It's sweet and soft and gentle. It's a promise for the future. It's my promise to him, to continue loving him. That I do love him. So, so much. 

Nathan pulls away first and smiles, planting another kiss on my forehead. "Try and sleep Lins. I'll be right here." He tugs us down under the blankets and switches off the light. I curl around his side, my head resting right over his heart. Its steady thumping is what finally, blissfully, puts me to sleep.