HOSTAGE

Chapter 3 - Controlled

TW: MENTIONS OF RAPE

Louis pov

"Em please no"

Not right now. Please I cant do this now. I throw my head back hard against my bedroom door as tears are streaming down my face. I cant do this much longer, I cant keep being controlled by this. Harry cant see me like this, no one ever has. Zayn has seen me before a panic attack but I've always gotten away before anything happens. Nobody can see this part of me, I don't want them to see my weakness.

"Stop it em please"

Words flowing around my mind, recalling the events of that night. I hate this, I hate being like this, I wish it would all just go away. I wish I could forget that any of it ever happened, these panic attacks make me feel so stupid, so worthless. I haven't felt like this in a long time, If I ever get close to this I call zayn for a distraction, but he's not here, I wish he was. He doesn't know much about me at all, but he always seems to understand that he just shouldn't ask. I need a distraction. I need something to take my mind off this, I cant think of this, not when I'm in this state.

"I don't want to please em"

I didn't want it, but she did it anyway, I didn't want any of it. I'll never be the same, Ill never trust anyone again, Trust is easily broken.

"I love you louis, do this for me"

I remember everything about that night, everything, I'll never forget it. I wish I could but I never will and I don't know how much longer I can live with that. It hurts so much, I'm constantly in pain, always hiding it.

"Louis take them off"

I hear her voice booming in my head, I hate it. I start to scratch over my arms trying to stop myself from ripping my clothes off. She still has that effect on me, she's not even here and she still controls end, I hate it. I fall back down against the door as I begin to hear a loud ringing noise, it hurts my head so much. I cant hear anything except her orders crashing round in my head.

"Don't be so weak"

I need to get out of here, harry can't see me like this. It's been worse than this but usually I can distract myself, I've never felt so empty before. Its eating me up inside, sending crashes off rage through me that I cant let out. I need to hit something, I have to but harry will hear me. I'm trying so hard not to get up and smash my hand into the wall.

"Take off your clothes louis"

I cant do it, I give into her and rip my shirt off, my skin is roasting hot. My back is pressed against the door still as my head hangs low. I'm not ashamed of my body, I'm ashamed that I was so vulnerable in front of someone who broke me. That night I vowed never to let anyone put me in that position, i would never trust anyone enough to show them my body. Not anymore.

"You should trust me louis"

My feet are bouncing up and down in eagerness and I can't fight it much longer as I quickly stand up and walk over to the wall. My legs are so shaky and weak that i nearly fall over at the wall. I hold myself up with my hands as I lean against it. The coldness of the wall clashing with the heat of my skin is making me uncomfortable. I get up again and walk over to the mirror. I fall down onto my knees as I look up at my reflection.

"It was your fault"

"But I didn't want to, I wasn't r-"

I bite down onto my hand to muffle my cries, this needs to be over so nobody hears me.

"You should've been ready"

"She should've waited- it wasnt m- my fault"

The person in the mirror isn't me, it's my subconsciousness. I'm trying to fight back the urge to smash this mirror into a thousand pieces.