Tales Of Icarus

-Chapter 9-

Dear... I don't know anymore

I'm at a loss, I keep thinking about last night. I know I'm just overthinking it... He was just drunk and people do stupid things when they're drunk, right? All I know is that I've been arguing with myself all day ... If I tell him, I could ruin everything we've been working on this week. But maybe it's for the best right? After all, with Rurik here, I haven't had time to further my research. With everything going on, I haven't done much... I'm letting my fears and attachments get in the way. Maybe I need to tell him in hopes he leaves... But I don't want him to-

"Why is this so hard" Lotus groans, letting his head fall on to the table. Why did he still have feelings for him? If he didn't, Rurik wouldn't be here, he wouldn't be struggling so much. The sound of his phone pulls him out of his thoughts

Dumb 12:39pm
Hey Lotus! Just checking in on you, how's everything going? How are you feeling?

Maybe he could talk to Goth about it? Goth had always been the calmer and logical one... Well at when it comes to hard situations. Maybe-

You 12:41pm
Actually, I need some advice... Last night, Rurik and I were drinking and he ended up kissing me. I don't know if I should tell him because I'm afraid it'll just ruin everything.

Lotus nervously waits, looking around his bed as if he expected the walls to have eyes,

  Dumb 12:42pm

...😀👓🤏 I'm sorry??????

    Lotus sighed, before hovering over the voice note option

   "Ok, it's not like it held anything... Or at least I don't personally think so. We were both drunk, and Rurik was practically wasted. And it just kinda happened, and I don't know man! I just need some advice on what I should do!"

   Lotus spoke in a hushed tone, though loud enough for the phones mic to pick it up. He let go, and waited again, paranoid, what if Rurik heard that? No, no... He wouldn't have right? Finally Goth replied. Lotus hesitated before finally clicking on the voice bubble

  "Uh, I'd tell him. But I don't know Lotus, you know how I feel about him. If it holds anything behind it, not saying it does, but if It did, you know what I'd say about it... And what's Sam gonna do when she finds out, cuz no offense man, but Rurik isn't the best at keeping his mouth shut..."

  Lotus glanced at the door, before back at his phone... You'll just be putting Rurik in danger. After all, attachments are the key way to control someone... And he's only getting more and more bold...Could you risk his life? And for what? He might not even have feelings for you?

  One thing was sure, Lotus had his hands full. But it's best to rip the bandaid off, right? Get it done and over with... "And if it ruins what little friendship we have... Maybe- maybe it's for the best... Right?" Lotus mummers to himself, he's so stressed, it's making him sick. "Fuck! Why can't everything just be normal!? I just want... I just want to be happy again..." He bites back more, tears of frustration, weeks of built up stress, fall rapidly down his face, making his cheeks warm and his mouth salty. Was it too much to ask? Just for one normal week?

   Hell, he'd even take working all week, 24 hours, if it meant he didn't feel this way! A knock at his door rips stolen breath back to him. The door opens, with a concerned looking Rurik peering through. "Is um, is everything ok?" No. No it's not "I heard you yell, and then you were crying... Should I come back later?" Yes. Yes you should. But Lotus' brain betrays him, "No- please... Please stay" he gasps out.  Rurik stands there for a moment, unsure of what to do... Usually he'd know what to do, and how to help... Like in the past... But he's been standing outside the door for a bit now... And it felt wrong to have been eavesdropping, and he meant to leave, after all he only came by to see if Lotus was up! But- "Uh- yeah sure..." But Lotus didn't need to know that... Right?

    Rurik walked in, closing the door behind him and standing there, unsure what he should do... He felt really bad that he's basically the reason why Lotus is crying... Again... He was pretty bad at this, wasn't he? Truth be told, there was also a part of him that still held feelings for Lotus, who longed for things to be like how they used to be... When they were nineteen and dumb... Before Rurik gone and fucked everything up... Another guilty thought.

   He sat on Lotus' bed, waiting for him to catch his breath. Only to be caught off guard when his friend bit into his own hand, "Lo-" but the other let go, taking another deep, Shakey, breath. Rurik stared at the teeth marks that were slowing drawing blood, but Lotus only stared at him, "A-About last night... Umm.." Lotus' eyes dropped back to the bite mark, using his other hand to wipe some of the blood away, "I- It's not like it was your fault! But you- you um" Lotus struggled to get the words out, and it only made Rurik feel worse... Should he just come clean?

   No. He should. "I know." He said, Lotus' head shot up, "Wha- What?" "I kissed you." Rurik said. Biting back his own nervousness... "So you weren't drunk? Or-" "No I was... I umm... I overheard your conversation..." Lotus looked at him confused, before looking away, "oh..." Apologise you fucking idiot. "I'm- I'm sorry, I totally didn't mean to do it on purpose! I was just- just coming up here to see if you were um were awake- and I heard you talking- and I meant to walk away- but I didn't-and- ugh! Lotus I'm sorry- sorry about last night- and-amd right now-" "It's ok." Rurik stopped his rambling, "It's ok, because it was an accident... Accidents happen..." Lotus mummers, looking at Rurik, ruby eyes stared into his own, but it didn't make Rurik feel any better... "Besides... You were drunk last night... I figured it didn't mean anything... It just shocked me... Was all" but- but it did... Rurik cleared his throat, looking away nervously, "yeah... Yeah, it um, it was an accident... But I'm still sorry... Just because it was an- um- accident- doesn't make it ok" Lotus looked down again, "I know... But I don't want this to ruin anything... Like we're still good right?" Lotus was asking him... He was the one Lotus should be mad at... Yet... Why did he get this feeling of Dejà vu... Like this isn't the first time Lotus has done this...

   No, no it's not Dejà vu, Lotus has done this before... Infact... Rurik's sure he recalls Lotus being the one to assume things are his fault, or that he's the one that needs to make it up, despite it not being his fault. Like the time Rurik almost got in trouble for being out late, it was totally his fault, he knew he should have gone home but he'd wanted to stay longer with Lotus... Lotus took the fault for that... He practically saved Rurik from a- "Lotus. You're not the one who should be asking that." Rurik said, "It's not your fault I kissed you." Lotus looked at him, "Oh..." He said, looking down at his hand, before laughing.

   Rurik looked at him, concerned again, he reached out, once he noticed that there were sobs mixed in between laughs, "I'm sorry" he's apologizing again "it's not your fault" "I know." Lotus looked up, "It's just- heh... I'm stressing over nothing..." There's a lot more behind those words, like there's only some relief... There's more...

   But for now. Rurik will leave it be.