Finding You

Realization

It was a gloomy weather that day, the weather had been fine, everything had been fine, it was just that day, the day I realized my life wasn't over, I had realized that my life was over from the moment it started, when I first breathed. In life, I'm always that one guy who's just there, who's fairly smart, who has a plain face, I was just there, no one bothered me, I had friends, and still do, but they always seem to come and go, friends, family, pets even, you name it, it's like I'm the airport, they're the airplanes, and the people represent a piece of my heart, they come, take a couple of pieces, and go like nothing happened, they only come back if I am needed for something. I was a back-up plan, a second chance, a last pick, I was never the first to come up.

When Dad was still alive, I had been his study slave. 'Emy you need to study this and Emy you need to study that', it was always the same cowshit. Even though I was smarter than my twin sister she'd always been the favor over me. I remember when I had a 97 on a quiz and she had 86, Dad slapped me, because I unfortunately came in second next to Leila, I could only look down at the pavement, for crying was for weak people, that's what Dad said.

When Dad died, I was only 12, I didn't know what to do, was I supposed to be happy that he, the bane of my existence was finally gone for all of my life, or sad because Dad had taught me everything, and without him I am but a violin without a bow. In the end, I chose none, I wasn't happy nor was I sad, I was just...there. I wasn't shocked when I first heard the news of his death, I only said 'okay' to all of my family, I thought they'd be harsh with me for being so insensitive, but they probably knew what was happening when dad was still alive. I couldn't careless about what they thought that day, if they knew Dad was hurting me, why didn't they do something, why didn't they help me, I guess that's what happens to useless people. Everyday I get more depressed and everyday I just wanna get hit by a bus or a train, but nothing ever happens, you wanna know why? Because I'm a coward.