The C-Word

Afterthoughts

Hi.

Well, I'm kind of running out of inspiration for "The Girl With The Blue Hoodie", but don't worry. I'll still be continuing that. :-)

I just wanted to try to start something else to see how it will go.

Well, um yeah, here it is. Sorry it's incredibly sketchy. I haven't exactly worked everything out to make ends meet yet.

Happy reading, I guess.

~C

© Copyright 2012 by C.A.B.

Life works in the strangest and most unusual ways possible.

A long time ago, I wouldn't even be thinking about life or anything insightful. I wouldn't be worrying so much about anything or musing over why things happened and what may or may not have caused them. I would just carelessly let all of those immersed thoughts slowly and almost subtly roll out of my mind like one of those small, cheap rubber balls you would find in a party favors bag. It  had never occurred to me why things were the way they were and how they ended up in that position they were in at the current moment in time. All I had ever cared about were sports, family, friends, girls, what I would be getting for Christmas or my birthday, and you know, material, tangible items or people that mattered to me.

Damn, If any of my friends knew what I was thinking, they'd definitely label me as some form of "faggot".

Ha. Immature little bastards.

Anyways, I never knew that in my whole 17 years of a somewhat torturous and innocent existence that life was much more than the things seen through the literal human eye.

And then, I started 11th grade.

Man, was that killer or what.

I thought it would be like the usual; the same old routine of waking up at the upsetting and heart-wrenching hour of 5:30 a.m., getting ready to face the firey depths of high school, skipping class, pulling bizarre pranks on the most irritating teachers, and you know, a bunch of typical high school stuff. Other than that, it was pretty basic with the fact that students were forced to go through 8 or so hours of a seemingly interminable hell: aliases would be Math, Science, English, and History. The days would be consumed with all of this plus the occasional basketball and football practice after school. 

Seemed pretty normal, right?

Wrong.

Sure, I passed all my classes with no grades lower than that of a B-minus.

Sure, I was the point-guard for the infamous Raiders a.k.a. our legendary high school basketball team.

Sure, I scored the hottest chick in the whole school as my girlfriend...well, former girlfriend, anyway.

And sure, I lived the alluring, magnificent life of your average playboy, high school jock.

But then, I met her.

It sounds really, really cliched right? Like one of those arid and extremely tedious chick-flicks where suddenly, the protagonist meets his/her "soul mate", and the two lovebirds get together, make so many blissful babies that the Duggar Family would be put to shame, and bam, they live happily ever after, the end, woo-hoo.

But to me, it wasn't at all anything like that.

Who knew one person, one little girl, out of the massive amounts of people on this earth would change my life?

Change.

Change indeed is a funny word.

What did it mean to change?

I know I've changed...a lot, even, but seriously...what the hell did it mean to change?

A website called dictionary.com defines it as "to become different", but I think that "change" was so much more than just a simple, candid definition found in a referencing book.

Maybe I'd never know. Maybe I would never know what it would truly be like to "change".

Did it even matter? Yeah...yeah, it kind of did, and it kind of does.

I know I'm getting really off-topic and almost monotonous, but along with "change", "regret" follows shortly afterwards. Those two words had such contrasting definitions and had no complete relevance or relation to each other, almost like a neutralism relationship in biology, but yet, I kinda think that these words have more in common than one would think.

Because when I think of her, I don't just think of the word "change."

I also think of "regret".

Regretting something is also quite peculiar. You wish you could have done something, anything, but instead, you didn't, and surely after a while, you begin to experience some painful, almost panging and screaming phenomenon deep in your gut. Or maybe you indeed did do something so horrible and so treacherous that even Adolf Hitler would be bawling and begging for mercy. You'll feel like a souless monster or that you've been possessed by some sort of spirit or apparition that isn't wholly you.

You may even feel like a different person because of it.

Feeling any kind of regret makes you wish you could hit the "rewind" button and redo what has been bugging your puzzled mind for timeless days, weeks, months, and maybe even years. You just know that because of that guitless regret, your life will be spiraling down into the Kingdom Of Wrong for a long while...even if it isn't something major or significant in any way.

Your life would still be forever changed (there's that word again).

And either way you feel this "regret", whether it'd be doing something or not doing something to feel it, the emotions and feelings you receive afterwards are almost anything but pleasant.

Unfortunately for me, though, I have been placed in the category of "either way", so I guess my gut gets to suffer double punishment.

What did I regret when it all boiled down to thinking of that girl?

Did I regret not treating her in a better manner?

Did I regret not spending more of my time with her?

Did I regret not telling her what I harbored inside of me when she was still in my life?

Did I regret calling her the C-Word?

Afterthoughts often made my head ache with a throbbing rage and nausea..

Do I ever even think like this?

Have I ever even thought like this before; with such precise vocabulary and the reminiscence of a 67 year old man?

"Change" really does relate to the word "regret" and vice versa.

Things change.

Everything changes.

And most of the time, you'll probably regret at least one part of fragment to why said thing changed.

Things change,

Everything changes,

And nothing ever stays the same.

I'm sorry that was extremely rusty. As you can tell, I haven't really "free-written" in a long, long time.

I still do hope you consider continuing to read my stories. Ugh, I'm such a mess. I apologize so, so, so much.

Thank you for all of your continued support, and yes, I will try to update "The Girl With The Blue Hoodie".

Peace out, girl scout, and Merry Christmas to you all.

~C