dear diary || os

I.

(inspired by the music "bubblegum bitch - marina and the diamonds.)

12th September 2014

"dear diary
who the fuck still have a diary? i feel so cringe
anyways im still gonna do this.
i want to.
i need to.
and i have to
i have to write about it.
about him more especially.
omg a girl teenager who write about a guy in her diary i want to slap myself so bad
its not the fact
how can i say that?
let's do this, im actually writting for nothing.

dear diary,
i meet a boy."

18th September 2014

"dear diary
he is not actually like the others.
of course he is not
but
like
the only fact he's being him
all the things about him that make him being him
i feel weird
why does my stomach start being like that

dear diary,
he is always in my head."

23th September 2014

"dear diary
he talked to me today.
and just thinking about that make me smile
why am i like that?
it was just after school and i was with my friends and he came with his friends and tell us hi
why am i happy for one stupid word?
my stomach is still strange tho

dear diary,
i think he make me sick."

1 October 2014
"dear diary
i saw him at highschool with that girl
seeing him with her, laughing with her, looking her in the eyes and smile like she is the prettiest woman in this world
its just make me wanna cry
and im actually crying,
and i want to hit her so bad

dear diary.
im lost."

12th October 2014
"dear diary,
he smiled to me today
we had to work together in maths and im really a piece of shit in mathematics so he helped me the best he could, so at one moment he came just behind my hair and gave me all the answers just in my ear
then i looked at him and he smiled
and i felt my heartbeat going super fast

i think i realize
im scared
it's getting worse and worse
i want stop this feeling.

dear diary,
i believe im in love."

20 October 2014
"dear diary
she was with that girl,
again 
it was at lunch and i think she took something from him so she started running and he was after her
then he grabbed her and pulled her by her waist
they were laughing so hard
making so much noises
i literally feel my heart breaking
and every pieces make me wanna vomit
and cry

dear diary,
he makes me jealous."

30 October 2014
"dear diary,
today my mom asked me why am i not eating anymore.
i just smiled at her and pretend i was on my period
but it isn't
it's his fault
all his fault
i hate him so much to make me feel like this
i look like a loser
i look like stupid
i just want stop my thoughts.

dear diary
im scared of all this sadness."

5 November 2014
they kissed
they kissed in front of me
in front of the entire highschool
and everyone was happy for them
when i saw them, he turned his head at one moment and we had an eye-contact
for 2seconds
it's when i saw his face changing
that i felt the tears on my face
so i walked away and went home.

17 November 2014
"dear diary
who the hell is he? who the hell is he for ruin my life like this?
where is my smile? where is my happiness? where the fuck are my friends? god.

dear diary,
i wanna die."

6th June 2015
"dear diary,
its been a long time ago isn't it?
you miss a lot of things lmao
sadly
the fact i tried to kill myself because of a boy with im obsessed and who doesn't even remember my name and is actually in a relationship.
im so fuckin pathetic
dad would have shame on me
and i blame myself for that every single day.

my mom keep asking me if im okay
its been a couple of months since i tried to and she is always that worry about me
but
there is still a thing i cannot understand

why am i here?
actually
i have no plans
no future
no envy
i hate myself

dear diary.
give me a reason to stay."

31th August 2015
"dear diary.
maybe one day mom will understand
maybe my friends will forgive me
maybe he will know about all my feelings
maybe i wasn't stronger enough
maybe.

dear diary,
i am sorry.