Daddy Valentine

When Joe Harrison woke up on Valentine's Day, there were already a million things on his mind. He was a perfectionist and so well-organized that he hated surprises with a passion, no matter how romantic or pleasant they actually were. Everything that could potentially interfere with his plans was a bad thing. Needless to say, he had made plans for his entire life and even knew what he wanted his death and funeral to be like. 

This Valentine's Day was supposed to be special because it was also the first one he spent with his boyfriend Dan, whom he had met on a blind date five months ago and immediately fallen for. The two of them seemed a perfect fit and were already talking about moving in with each other, so Joe knew that a lot depended on how this Valentine's Day would turn out. He wanted Dan to enjoy the day, feel appreciated and loved and get the greatest gift he had ever gotten. Joe had bought him a huge box of the finest Belgian chocolate he had found, which had cost him an arm and a leg, and had written a long love letter to Dan in which he told him why he loved him and explicitly asked him to move in with him. 

Dan was scheduled to arrive at Joe's apartment at about 10 a.m., which gave Joe a lot of time to get himself ready, have breakfast and wrap his Valentine's Day gifts. 

What he hadn't counted on was a text from Shelly, a young woman who worked at the same bank as Joe did and whom he and Dan had had a lot of fun with during the bank's annual Christmas party. As a matter of fact, he vaguely remembered that she had spent the night at Joe's place because she was a commuter and it had gotten pretty late on that evening. Strangely enough, he couldn't remember giving Shelly his phone number.

The message he received was short, but to the point: "Am pregnant. Don't know which one of you is the father. Do you?" 

For a second, Joe considered that she must be joking. Then again, he broke into a sweat because he didn't remember a lot about that night. They had been laughing and dancing with her, and they had all ended up here and woken up on the floor together, an entangled threesome that had made fun of a ridiculous situation.

He hadn't had sex with her, had he? He couldn't have been that drunk. As for Dan, he was quite sure he had been so drunk that he wouldn't have been able to sleep with her as well. On the other hand, he had been asleep, so perhaps something had happened between them.

Dan noticed that something was wrong as soon as he saw his boyfriend. He was the opposite of Joe and hated making plans. He was someone who went with the flow and was so spontaneous that it could be annoying. "Hey, Babe. What's up?" he asked Joe.

Wordlessly, Joe, who was still reeling from Shelly's pregnancy news and had not left the couch for two hours, gave him his phone.

"Have you slept with her?" Joe asked.

Dan had gone pale. "I don't know. I was drunk, remember?"

"So was I."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Did you do it with her?"

"No, I couldn't do that to you while you were in the same room!"

"So why do you think I'm capable of doing something like that?"

"Because I'm sure I didn't do it!"

"Well, I'm sure I didn't do it either!"

"How did she get pregnant then and why does she say we did it?"

"Because one of us is lying and did it!"

"I don't like the tone of your voice! I thought we trusted each other completely."

"That is obviously not the case, so let's be honest about it! How could you!"

"How could I do what?"

"Get her pregnant! You know I don't like kids!"

"Well, I don't like them either, and I certainly don't want them!"

"So what do we do, how do we react?"

"Let's write her a text and say we'd like to meet her and talk about the situation."

"I hope you realize that you are being ridiculous."

Five minutes after Joe had sent the text to Shelly, the doorbell rang. It was Shelly herself, and she was holding the cutest Ragdoll cat in her arms.

"Here is your 'baby,' and Happy Valentine's Day!" she announced and smiled at Dan, too brightly for Joe's liking.

Dan took the cat while Joe immediately began to sneeze. 

"What's that?" Joe asked. 

"Oh, just your Valentine's Day gift. Isn't he cute? Shelly and I thought we'd play a little prank on you," Dan explained. 

"Well, that cat can't stay here!" Joe said. 

"Why not?"

"Because I'm deadly allergic to your little 'baby'! That's why!" Joe explained. "Didn't I tell you that I hate surprises! If you hadn't surprised me, you would have known about my allergy!"

The cat looked at Joe as it wanted to challenge him and separate him from Dan, in whose arms the animal clearly felt comfortable.