What If..

All I Could Do Was Cry

"Derek?" He turned to the door of the nursery, careful not to awake the sleeping Ellis in his arms.

Arizona stood in the doorway, still in her bloody surgical gown. She looked like she had been crying. Alex was nowhere to be seen.

"We should talk." The fetal surgeon said.

•••

Derek entered Meredith's ICU room, his heart shattering into a million pieces.

"Oh, Mer." A nurse was extubating her as he approached her bedside. She looked so pale and weak. The IV in her arm was delivering antibiotics. Alexander's brain infection had made Meredith really sick.

Derek took her hand in his, and sat down. He waited desperately for his wife to wake up.

"Der?" Meredith croaked. Derek quickly got up, raising the head of her bed and placing a nasal cannula when he realized she was struggling to breathe.

"Why am I in an ICU room Derek? Meredith asked, looking around at her surroundings.

"There was a complication, Mer. Alexander was really sick with encephalopathy." Meredith's eyes widened. She attempted to get out of bed, grimacing in pain at the movement.

"I have to help her Derek!" Meredith yelled as he guided her back to a lying position.

"No Mer, you can't help her. Nobody can. Alexander died." Derek said sadly. Meredith suddenly stopped fighting. She lay back down, and turned onto her side, facing away from Derek.

Derek's heart shattered again as his wife's body began to shake with sobs.

"Derek.. I want to see Ellis" Meredith said, still trying to push him away from what she was feeling.

"Mer, that's not possible, you know that"

Meredith tried to get up but Derek stopped her "I need to see her now!" She started to scream

Derek pulled his wife close to him, hugging her tightly

"Our.. Our baby girl" She sobbed

"They did everything they could Mer" Derek whispered in order to keep her calm

"Can.. Can you sneak me in? I.. I need to see her Derek"

"Mer, your stitches.. you're recovering and Alexander made you sick.. We can't take that risk Mer"

"No, Derek! I didn't get to see Alexander, now I don't get to see Ellis, I'm their mother! they need me!"

"They need you and that's why you need to focus on getting better. I'm gonna ask Alex if he can take a few pictures of her so you can see her"

Meredith nodded and sank into her pillow, sobbing..

"Mer, you should try to sleep a little more" He said before putting her hand on her waist. She shivered at the contact, and pushed his arm off.

"Mer.. Don't push me away please"

She turned away from him again, effectively ending the conversation.

•••

"Mer? Are you awake?" Derek asked whole walking into Meredith's room after checking on Ellis

She nodded, but she didn't even turn her head to face him

"I.. I took some pictures of her, do you want to see them?"

Meredith turned her head to face him, she gave him a sad smile and nodded

Derek walked over to her and showed her the pictures, she was happy at first but the urge to see her baby, to hold her was huge. She didn't feel better at all but she claimed she was healthy enough to see her daughter. She lost her other daughter without even seeing her, holding her.