Grey And The In between

Chapter 1

It’s approximately 1 o’clock in the morning and I’m sitting up in bed, sweating from a nightmare I’ve just woken up from. My eyes are frozen with shock and my hands clenched to my side. The nightmare I had is already starting to fade into the confines of my memory. I’m not quite sure how long I sat there, listening to the rhythm of my heartbeat and trying to control my breathing. Once I think I’ve calmed myself down I climb out of bed and walk over to my window. I pull the string and open my blinds and stare out into the Colorado night sky and observe the snow as it falls, following it to the ground. I live in Denver and I attend Victory high school. I’m 17 and in 11th grade. Another thing you should know is that I’m gender fluid. This is the part where those of you who picked up this book not expecting to find out that key factor in my life will put the book down, disgusted, and never pick it up again. I’m sorry I’m so disgusting and I bid you farewell from the tragic mess known as my life. I was born a male but by the age of 12 I knew something wasn’t right. All the “dudes” at school had girlfriends and never had any interest in guys. Unlike me who liked girls and guys. So I assumed that maybe I was just bisexual. Then I realized that none of the dudes at school went window shopping in mini malls for heels at girl stores and wished they could be wearing the heels and dresses in the window. That wasn’t all though, it came to the point where some days I was a full blown guy and some days I was all about being a girl. I learned by the age of 14 that I was gender fluid.  It was almost comforting. Except, when I started explaining it to my friends they stopped talking to me, one by one. Until I only had two friends. Jess and Victor. They are my best friends and I know they care about me but I still feel so empty. So complacent In this world. I want more, that may sound greedy but its absolutely true. I stand there for a few more minutes and head downstairs to get something to calm my nerves. I navigate into the kitchen without turning on any lights. Its not that I’m sneaking, I just don’t want to cause any disturbances. I reach into the cupboard and pull a glass out and fill it with water from the fridge. I take a few sips and notice that it doesn’t feel right. That nothing feels right. When you’re me, it never does. I pour the rest of the water into the sink and leave the glass there as well. I head up the stairs and am greeted by my mother, standing there in the hallway by my door, her robe tied around her lean, curvy, supermodel looking body and her dark brown hair in a bun.

“Another nightmare?” She asks quizzically even though she knows the answer. I nod.

“Honey, I’m worried about you. Lately you’ve been so distant and the nightmares seem to be more frequent. Is there something going on? Something I can do? “I almost start laughing. There’s so much irony in the way my mother is acting right now. You see, you’d think she’d be worried about the fact that her son is actually also her daughter and is a freak but no. She accepts me. My mom is the best mom I could ask for and I would never do anything to hurt that small light in my dark and bitter world. 

"No mom, nothing's going on. I'm not sure why I'm having nightmares." I try to look her in the eyes but can't. I know she knows I'm lying. I'm really going to get it now. 

"Grey, I hope so. For your sake. You don't need any more stress in your life. Go get some sleep hun. You have school tomorrow." She runs her hands through my short black hair and I turn around slowly to signal to her that I'm tired and ready to go back to sleep. She lifts her hand off my head and then moves it to my shoulder. 

"Grey......You know I love you, right?" I turn around and she's looking at me dead in the eyes, like she's begging for my response. 

"Yes mom. I know you do. I love you to. Bunches." I turn around and head into my room and flop own onto the bed. I lay there and stare up at the ceiling for I don't know how long. Analyzing my mothers previous actions in my head. Of course I know she loves me. I just wish I could love myself.