He saved me, But I blamed Him (One-Shot)

Bible

𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐃 𝐌𝐄, 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐈 𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐈𝐌
-ℛℴ𝒸ℯ𝓁 𝒥𝒶𝓃ℯ

        It was one fine Sunday morning, but it wasn't fine for me. I woke up with no one inside the house. Lahat ng kasama ko sa bahay ay dumalo sa lingguhang misa. Thing that I never did since I was just 14 years old. Im now 18 and it's been a while since I last visited his haven. I'm not walking away, but I know Im far from him. No one to blame, but I lost my faith when he ceased to be there during the darkest moment of my life.
         I kept on calling him, I kept on reaching out to him but there's no HIM who saved me. That day, I died millions of times. I did live everyday, I wake up at morning, eat and drink and I sleep at night while the demons inside my head keeps on eating my sanity. That's how I actually lived but consequently dying inside.
         This day is no different from the past ones. Walang mabuti sa kahit na anong oras na dumaan. Walang espesyal sa kahit na anong minuto. And as time goes by I can feel the overwhelming sensation in my blood to end my depression.

This day, I had enough.

           Nakakapagod ng gumising sa araw-araw na parang patay. Nakakapagod ng maglakad na walang direksyon. Nakakapagod ng ngumiti ng walang laman. Nakakapagod ng matulog at malunod sa dagat ng bangungot. Nakakapagod ng kimkimin ang nagtatagong hinagpis. Ang paulit- ulit na matakot. Ang mahusgahan ng mga taong akala mong kakalinga sayo. Ang madapa ng walang sumasalo. Ang paulit- ulit na masira sa parehong dahilan. Napapagod na ako!
           Gusto ko ng matulog, gusto ko ng lumaya. Kasi sa lahat ng bagyong itinutumba ako, walang Diyos na sumalo! Walang Diyos na dumating!
           And believe me when I say I tried to save myself, but my eagerness to die is stronger than my desire to live. No matter how much I tried to save myself, at the end of the day I still end up dying and drowning in my own pain.
           Buong lakas akong bumangon mula sa pagkakahiga at ang pagpasok ng liwanag ng araw ang siyang unang bumati sa akin. Ngunit hindi ito kahit konti lang nakapagpagaan sa loob ko. Napatingin ako sa lubid na nakasabit sa likod ng pintuan. And an idea came into my mind. Dali dali akong bumangon at kinuha ito. I even measured how long it is and its length is enough for me. Tumuntong ako sa kama at pilit na inabot ang kisame. Ngunit sadyang mataas ito that however I tried to reach it ay para bang mas lalo itong lumalayo. So I lost my will and just sit down at my bed. Then something caught my attention. It was a blade shining its glory just to be noticed.

I smiled bitterly and grabbed it.
Heart beating fast, Pulse pounding hard. My anxiousness and nervousness were eating my system. Nakatulala lamang ako sa blade na hawak ko. Lahat ng alaala ko, lahat ng sama ng loob ay sunod-sunod na tumatak sa isip ko. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang blade. My frustration and depression were resurfacing.

With all the energy left in my joints. I moved my hand to slash my wrist.

But something stopped me.

       It was the doorbell ringing so loud and annoying. I drop the blade and head my way to the door. Nang buksan ko ito ay tahimik ang dapat ay maingay na daan. Walang katao-tao.

"Letseng mga bata"- bulong ko sa pag-aakalang mga bata lamang iyon na piniling mangbulabog ng kapitbahay. Isasara ko na sana ang pinto ng may mahagip ang mga mata ko sa paanan ko.

It was a book.
       Pinulot ko ito, only to be shock.

It was not a book, but a Bible.

Nagpakawala ng luha ang mga mata ko. It was too sudden I got carried away. Niyakap ko ang Bibliya habang patuloy na tumatangis.

I asked him 'why?'
'Bakit ngayon pa?'
'Bakit kung kailan pagod na ako ay saka naman siya magpaparamdam?'

      My questions were all answered by a single white feather na lumapag sa harap ko. Pupulutin ko sana ngunit lumipad ito ulit. Tumayo ako sa pagkakaluhod at sinundan ang puting balahibo. Bitbit ang bibliya sa pagitan ng mga bisig ko habang tinatahak ang direksyon na itinuturo ng puting balahibo.
       I stopped in my track when it finally landed in front of a widely open door. Nang tumingala ako ay nagpatakan na naman ang luhang matagal ko ng iniipon.

I am in front of the church.

    Tanging sermon lamang ng pari ang maririnig sa bawat sulok ng lugar.

"Mga kapatid, kahit kailan ay hindi tayo iniwanan ng Diyos. Nariyan lamang siya, ang kailangan lamang nating gawin ay tawagin siya. Naaalala niyo pa ba ang "The footprints" na kung saan inakala ng tao na iniwan siya ng ama sa oras ng kaniyang problema? Ngunit ang totoo ay yapak ng amang Diyos ang nasa buhanginan at pasan siya nito. Kagaya ng akdang iyon ang buhay mga kapatid. Inaakala nating wala siya ngunit sa oras ng problema ay inaalalayan niya tayo upang hindi bumagsak. Hindi natin ito napapansin because we're too busy dwelling with our own pain that sometimes we put the blame on him. Lagi sana nating tandaan na kahit kailan ay hindi tayo iniwan ng Diyos. Hindi pa huli para bumalik sa kanya. Sapagkat ang Diyos ay mapagpatawad. Hindi pa tayo humihingi ng paumanhin ay pinatawad niya na tayo. Mahal tayo ng Diyos at ni kailanman ay hindi niya tayo sinukuan."

        Pabalik- balik sa isipan ko ang sermon ng pari. Nakaluhod lamang ako sa muwebles na sahig ng labas.

Tumingala ako sa langit.

"Am I still welcome to your home?"

Isang puting kalapati ang lumapag sa mga kamay kong bitbit ang bibliya. Tumango itong parang tao at lumipad papasok sa simbahan.

Mas lalo akong napaiyak.
Now I realized,

He never left me.

He's always in here, just waiting for me to call him.

       4 years ago, I got raped by an unknown person. It kills me to the core that I loathe myself so much and I even blamed God above to what happened to me.
       Two days after I got raped and violated, the suspect surrendered his self to the authorities. He was sentenced Reclusion Perpetua or a lifetime imprisoment.
         Months later after that dreadful day, I met a lady who gave me the same Bible I was holding right now and give me wisdom about God. But I ignored it and even threw the Bible at the trash can at the back of our school.
          Another month came and my family's failing business prosper and bloomed to its peak. My brother got a high paying job and the almost bankrupt business that my father founded became well-known and placed the rank 1 in the Philippines' most successful businesses.

But again I ignored everything.

Graces came and miracles happened but I never paid attention.

       I dwelled too much with my own pain that I never saw how good God can be. Masyado akong nalunod sa sakit and I leave him behind.
       I even blamed him but he never left me. He's just there, God's just there and became my life source when I cease to feel life. He became my life when I went dead. He is my savior at times I attempted to kill myself.

       And he just saved me from committing suicide.

Im very sorry my God.😢