DESTINED

Destined - short story

I thought I had walked for days; for days I walked and walked and there was nary a thought of where I was going, just that I was on my way.

I had neither anticipation nor excitement. There was no expectation of what it would be like once I arrived at my destination. I had no idea where my destination was, there was no direction; no map of the way. 

I was too young to know any different. I was too young to fear, I had no experience to tell me there was anything to be afraid of. I was too old to fear, I had plenty of experience to reassure me that there was nothing to be afraid of. Young... Old... what are these?

When did I transcend my youth and enter into the old? When did the old take hold of my ankles and drag me into the darkness of the aged? Or was I confusing old with aged when instead, it was actually wisdom?

Wisdom. When does one possess wisdom? How does one know he has wisdom? Where does she find this wisdom and how does she come to possess it?

I walked and I walked and I thought and I thought of where I had traversed from and where I traverse to and still I have no answers to tell, nothing to comfort my questioning mind, nothing to give me hope, nothing that reassures me that the path I am on is the one that will deliver me to my... destination.

Destinations are not the same as destiny; we are not destined to arrive at one particular place at one particular time. But then,why do we call this place of our arrival our destination? Originally, the word destination meant the action of intending someone or something for a particular purpose.

Perhaps I've been walking and walking and there simply is no place to go, no one waiting for me to arrive, nothing to anticipate as I keep walking and walking...

Maybe this is my destiny, my purpose, my fate. I am destined to walk without knowing.

Destined sounds so ominous and foreboding, as if I were doomed from the outset. Then I should stop this walking and stand still until I know what is expected and whether or not I am expected.

Is there expectation? And who expects me? Fate is preordained. Is this fate?

My fate is not preordained or I would have no choice and no reason to do this or that; go here or go there. Whatever will be, will be... without any interference by me or anyone or anything else... it will just be.

So, I may decide to sit down right here and think about this a bit longer. It will have no consequence either way if I do or do not. Fate.

If it is fate and fate is indeed predestined and unchangeable then fate will find its way to me wherever I am; whatever I do. I should not fear it or rejoice in its arrival. It simply will be what it is without any forethought or intention.

If I have a choice and my destiny is changeable depending on my choices then how will I know when I have enough information to properly make this choice? My destiny could turn for the better or it could turn  for the worse and I would have no way of knowing until I have arrived. And, again, how will I know I have arrived?

If my destination is a purpose intended for me, who is intending it? Where do these intentions originate? And for what end?

Does someone else have control of my purpose? Does someone else's intention define my purpose and wouldn't that also define me? What a thought to think, someone else's intention defining me!

Then who am I? Am I who someone else says I am with a purpose intended for me that is not of my own choosing? 
 

I suddenly feel... wiser. I am not young and I am not old. I am not expected and I don't know what to expect. I was sure I had choices but now I'm not so sure and perhaps there is no such thing as certainty, though I certainly think I have been walking and walking for days and days and I nothing has changed,not even the scenery - what I see, I see again and again - it repeats, much like life. Life repeats with nary a change except for names and faces and maybe forgotten places... I have counted the hours, the days, the months, the years and this I know for sure - I change. I don't know who determined it, fated it, intended it or destined me to be all these hours, days, months and years... but I am not the same as I was a moment ago.

I think I have arrived.

M TERESA CLAYTON