What David Attenborough didn't tell us

I LIED LMAO

It was Oak jr's first day of school, in other words, the house was free.

"I've been longing for your wood!" I sighed as I sat in my husband's leafy branches. "Oak will not return for hours"

"Your desires interest me, flesh lump"

"Take me right now, treat me.." dare I say "Treat me like pine!"

His branches jostled, shaking me gently as I fell to his lap.

"You have chosen a fate even the green party couldn't fathom!"

"I can take it!"

He grabbed me round the waste and hoisted me in the air, ripping my clothes off.

"Do your job my lovelys" He muttered, as beetles began to crawl up my inner thigh.

I was not in discomfort at all, I welcomed the feeling, I welcomed anything to do with my husband's culture.

"ah!" I said in pleasure, constricting in the air, still hoisted up by my foot.

"Silence" he boomed, wrapping his leafiest branch around my mouth.

He always did treat me so well.

"Now is my part" he said, placing me down on my stomach.

We had to do it this way since the birth, despite my gorrilla grip, my coochie was just too stretched for his liking.

I could feel the tip of his bark, teasing me.

"Just do it you pre created paper!" I exclaimed, this was all too much for me to handle any longer.

"As you wish, industrial guinea pig" And he obeyed my wishes.

I could feel him inside me, bark chipping away, an everlasting sign of his love. 

"Birth giver, I've re- MOTHER OF BIRCH!" Oak covered his eyes.

"Oak! don't look at me!" I cried, mentally scanning through therapy websites.