Mom thought I'd be a better person if she kept putting me in a different school every year. All it did was make me fear the world less. The more people I met, the more animalistic I thought they were. Following their instincts, feeding their vices and following their sex hunger to wherever it took them. Angie, oddly enough became my closest friend, was the most promiscuous person I've met. Fucking up to 3 guys in one day, she called me 2 weeks ago asking for a pregnancy test.
She always made me feel better whenever Melanie humiliated me, we'd make fun of her blonde mustache and the fact that she had no neck, she always put a smile on my face, but when her sex drive was directed to me I distanced myself, now we talk once a month.
Next year, different school. I haven't been intimidated until now, people were talking to me on the first day, Johnathan was one of them. I told Angie about him and I wasn't surprised when she wanted to meet him, they met a few months later and I couldn't believe her words when she told me he wasn't interested. Back to the first day of school and I was already cutting class, he took me to the park and we chatted a bit, it was the first time I felt I could talk for hours with someone. An hour later we were in each other's pants in his apartment. His sweat smelled sweet, soft skin, his lips drew a map on my body, his eyes had no end, deeper than the oceans. It was nice for a while but I was going to end it by the next semester, it was starting to feel like a relationship and I wasn't looking for one at the time, before I could do anything he did something to me, something unforgivable.
He told me he loved me, I already knew my feelings but I refused to accept them. The second he told me that, I felt like I was falling backwards, having no idea when I would hit the ground. I felt cornered, I was scared, it wasn't the pleasant feeling everybody bullshits about. I had to face the unevitable fate that I loved him too. I knew that no matter what he did, I would forgive him.. I realized as time went by that he's probably one of the worst people I've met next to Melanie.. that's when I lost control of my habit. 4 cigarettes.
I was 13 when I first did it. I took salt from the kitchen cabinet and poured a circle around a slug, it wouldn't move. My patience ran out and I kept pouring salt until all I saw was a little white mountain. It didn't move and all there was left was an empty shell, I felt like a smug little bitch and I didn't like it. I didn't know how to cope with the guilt, I felt like I was collapsing into myself. I took one off the ashtray, it didn't look tempting at all, it was wrinkled and the tip was black, it was halfway through. I saw everybody with one, I thought it was the way to cope with things. I felt normal.. I felt like the slug never existed.
