Be More Gay

Silence

Tw: idk- insecurity, self deprecation, Squip mention

I stare at my reflection in the mirror...and I don't think I like what I see. My hair is messy, my outfit clashed, ...I'm alone. 

"Jeremy!" Someone knocks on the door.

I stay silent. It's Michael, I know it is...but I don't deserve him. I chose to not see him anymore...after promising him that we'd always stick together. He opens the door, anyway. Not like it was locked.

"Jeremy..."

I stay silent.

"Jeremy...we really need to talk about this, now...it's been two months..."

"Michael..." I finally speak.

"Yeah?" He sounds so patient with me...why is he so patient?

"I-..." What am I supposed to say? Nothing can ever make up for everything I did. And for what? For Christine? To be cool? To be cool in high school? Why would anyone want to peak in highschool?

"I know, you're gonna say you're sorry...and probably start crying."

I nod, already holding back tears. But Michael- god, Michael, the angel that he is- just pulled me into a hug and held me. (Tallish Michael- fite meh-)

"I know you are...I am, too."

I sniff, pulling back to look at him in shock, "What? Why are you- ?"

He smiled with the weight of heavy guilt, "Because I let you take that damn pill in the first place. Hell- I encouraged you, Jeremy. You told me you might have an opportunity to change who you are and I encouraged you to take it. And then I nearly gave up on you when the backlash hit me- hard."

I pull away and draw into myself. He shouldn't feel guilty.

"You shouldn't feel guilty...who wouldn't change me? I tried to change me."

He took my shoulders, then my face and forced me to look at him.

"I like who you are, Jeremy. I always have liked you just like this. The only thing that could possibly make you better is if you saw yourself the way I do. I thought you would be happier if you got this...this change that you wanted so badly. But I did what you wanted...not what you needed."

"Yeah?" I wipe my eyes, "What the hell did I need? I don't even know..."

 I looked away from him, but he held my face firmer until I looked at him again.

"You needed me to be a good friend. I should've worked on helping you like who you were...who you are, in the moment. Changing naturally is good...but rushing it, is never. I let you think you weren't good enough by encouraging you take this...techno-drug that would take my best friend away from me. And it did...and I lost you."

I shove his hands away from my face and take some steps back and he hesitantly reaches to me.

"What is there to like, Michael? I'm just a- a loser, a geek, a..a whatever! I'm nothing! I'm a nothing who erases the only person who ever thought I was something from my life."

I feel him wrap his arms around me and pull me in, this time I don't pull away and I cry into his chest. I grip onto him tightly, afraid of ever letting him go, again.

"You know what the best part about this whole thing is was?"

I scoff, "You realized you need better friends?"

He hums and I feel the blood in my cheeks tingle, "No...first, I saw you happy, for a bit. You weren't scared of other people when you listened to the Squip...you genuinely smiled. Your dad realized he needs to pull his life together and put some pants on, people at school are being nicer to each other."

I look up at him and feel myself blush a bit when I realize that he's taken his hoodie off- leaving his toned muscles  to be displayed from underneath his white tank top. He slips it over my head and pulls me into a hug.

"And I get to hold you right now, without being totally weird."

I laugh as my cheeks heat up, "Th-That's kinda- kinda gay, Michael."

He looks at me and shrugs a bit, "Yeah, well...I am gay, so."

"Y'know..." he looks at me, "Sometimes I still hear him...he keeps trying to turn back on. I can hear him tell me that I'm worthless without his guidance...that I'm awful and don't deserve....anything."

"Jeremy...is that really the Squip saying that to you?"

I feel the tears swell in my eyes as I catch the sweet and concerned look he gives me.

"Sometimes...sometimes it's him...but, but the rest of the time..."

He just shushes me as I cry into his chest.

"I forgive you, y'know..."

I stay silent...apart from the crying.