𝙈𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙘𝙞𝙣𝙚/ c.b

33

~33~

            There was a period when I was a kid where I wanted to be a princess. All I wanted was to live in a big castle, with big poofy hair and extravagant dresses just like they were portrayed in my books. It was an actual dream that I believed would or could happen.

I was 5 when I discovered my first fairytale book. It was a short story and I was just barely learning to read in first grade. The story was only 5 pages long, but the visuals were beautiful. It consisted of dull colors that maybe weren't the ideal image of royalty, but it was more realistic than the bright pink color other girls would draw into their coloring books.

My favorite was the black dress. Maybe because it was so looked over. Hidden in the shadows of all the vibrant fabrics around it. The girl who wore it was also beautiful. Blonde hair pulled up into the craziest of hair-do's, cheeks pink from blush, and eyes fluttered halfway shut as if she didn't care about anything at all.

But, she looked happy. Content. Everything I wanted.

I purchased the book provided to me by my school with two quarters, which was all I could muster up. My teacher allowed it, knowing how in love I was with the story.

I ran back to the orphanage with a skip in my step, excited to practice my reading on my new tale. It took at least a month to even get through the first page. I had to read at night, not having any other time to do it other than when everyone was asleep. But after having doing chores I was always so tired and unable to keep my eyes open for long. I got help though at school when my teacher would help me figure out the words without actually reading it to me.

I was so determined to do it on my own, but she was a massive help in reading words like "extraordinary" and "beautiful", words so difficult to even pronounce with my small toddler mouth.

But I figured it out.

And by the end of the year, I had the whole story memorized. Even to this day, though I don't have it completely word for word, I know how it began and how it ended.

The story, which was pretty lengthy in words since it was only 5 pages long, started with the young princess having fun and playing with her own toys without anyone else. It talked about how she didn't have many friends, always alone and by herself locked away in her room. But she was happy. Then at school, she was still alone, but happy. It went into detail about what her days were like, how she felt during every moment, and just what she felt all day every day. And I related so much, somewhat.

She was always happy, and I was not.

Maybe that's why I loved it so much. Because it was so accurate except for that one part that it made me want to be that princess. To find that one piece of the puzzle that was so out of reach for me.

I think I thought that becoming a princess would solve all of my problems. That maybe with a dress and a tiara that the one emotion I couldn't find would simply appear in my expression and heart.