thoughts and other

31. 10. 2018

how is it possible that i still have nights where i struggle bout not texting you when you don't even think about me at all?

or do you?

today i saw a scene in a movie where 2 girls kissed and the lips of one of them reminded me bout yours.

it left me this feeling that i don't wanna feel,

the feeling that i need them.

the feeling that reminds me that i miss the days where all i could think of in school was you.

the way you used to write into your notebook,

how you played with your hair,

how you passed me all those notes,

all the kisses,

the smiles,

the looks.

i remember exactly how i felt this one day.

we had geography class which i normally hated.

you were sitting two chairs in front of me and you passed me this card you drew.

this card of two girls kissing each other with the word "us".

i see it every fucking day,

cause i have it in my notebook.

you were someone i used to admire,

look up to.

someone i always wanted to be like and i think part of you knows that.

you were the first girl i ever had feelings for.

you taught me all of this.

you kissed my lips like no one ever did.

i hate you,

cause i fell in love with you,

back then..

and i  hate you cause i still have you in my mind sometimes.

all the stuff we promised to each other?

it's gone.

i tried okay?

i tried but you rejected me every goddamn time.

and it's okay,

i understand that you don't choose who you fall for,

and i don't blame you for not loving me back,

but

why am i thinking about you?

why do i keep seeing all those memories in my head?

why am i wishing to kiss you one more time?

and the fact that you moved out

kinda makes me sad cause i know i would come visit you

but to be completely honest,

i'm also kinda glad that i don't know where you live now cause i would probably write this to you and leave it at your front door.

but that would be a mistake anyways.

even sending you a text at this hour is a mistake,

i won't do it

but i just wanna let you know i did sent it.

in my head

hundred times.

but hated myself for it.

another hundred times.

so that's why you never got this text,

cause i didn't allow it to myself.

same as i didn't allow myself these feelings for the past year.

i don't even remember when was the last time we kissed,

but i can imagine how it felt,

cause every kiss felt like a warm tea after a long snowy day.

like your lips were made for mine.

who are they kissing now?

i wonder..

all i can say is just,

when will i see you again?