I Fell In Love With The Hood

Loving Anthony was too easy. He stood about 5'9. His body was built perfectly in my eyes. He smelled so good dressed to impress and his beautiful white teeth, that shit made me so weak. His hands were so smooth, like he never worked a day in his life. I knew that couldn't be true because he arrived every morning in a cleaning van which he said he owned. He said he owned a small business and I believed just that. The more we dated he begin to open up more about his life and family, he also took me to meet his mom. I felt so special that day. She treated me so kind and he took good care of her as well as his siblings. I respected that. I just knew I finally found my forever. We stayed low key for a while but with me living in public housing word about us traveled fast and where there's happy news there is also hate. See, I was in that phase where everybody was lying, and it was just me and him against the world. That shit went on for a while until his hoes started making themselves visible. Even then I didn't want to lose what I thought I had. He was a cheater, but he paid my bills and
spoiled my children and that's all I ever wanted because it was something I never had, and when I cried about the things I was hearing he always would say you know what I do for a living they don't mean shit to me.  I just use them to keep my business going, oh! yea I eventually found out the cleaning business was only to cover up the fact that he was pushing major weight in our town. I still believed everything he would tell me. He would even wipe my tears, make love to me and send me shopping, then we never spoke a word of it.  This went on for two years until one day. I thought I was so cute that day, it was a Saturday. I felt so good, my hair and nails were on point and my outfit was so cute. You know I have always tried to keep it a little sexy but anyways, I pulled up to gas station in his car, music loud, rims shining. I'm smiling going into the store, paid for gas and walk out and a bitch was puling off in his car. I stood there looking crazy, she screaming, I'm calling him yelling a bitch just pulled off in your car, what the fuck is going on? He calmly says stay right there I'm on the way. He never showed but his little flunky did. Dre Dre did whatever he asked, he was a motherfucking yes man. I screamed the entire ride home on the phone with my homegirl and as I pulled up, she waited to hear the story. I was embarrassed and confused. Anthony was calling and I was still screaming, demanding answers and he was stuttering, telling me to calm down. He was saying he was handling the situation. He eventually hangs up. I'm just standing in my living room, tears falling while explaining to my best friend about what had just happened. She looks me in my eyes and says I know you love him but Lily he is not the man you need. I instantly got mad, I'm like bitch why you say that? She then say's I'm tired of you being blind to reality, the bitch that pulled off in his car name is Kesha, she is from down south, he moved her here and everyone is talking about it. She continues on by saying I deserve better. We sat there and smoked a blunt without speaking a word as the tears just rolled clean down my face. With my daughter's being at the sitters and me being home alone I just took a long bath while watching my phone ring over and over but never answering. I was shattered emotionally because everything was out in the open. I slowly got out the tub I was frightened from the pounding at the door. My heart was racing, and I slowly opened the door. It was Anthony he stood there with the saddest look in his eyes looking like he had lost his best friend. I didn't know if it was me or her, but I invited him in. I wanted an explanation and I also needed closer. It was complete silence then he said, I know I fucked up and I know I have done a lot in my life, but I never meant to hurt you and I don't want to lose you. The tears rolled down my face and he rubbed and embraced me like never before. Out of all the questions I wanted answered I couldn't say a word. I couldn't even speak, I was silenced, silenced by hurt and anger. He did the usual that night. The love making, promises but this time it was so different. The tears, passion, and emotions were everywhere. All I could think after all of that was, he was here with me, he chose me. I felt more special, I guess you could say I was just young and in love. Thinking I had won his heart, but as the time passed the arguments grew more intense because the lies grew larger and harder to hide. Kesha started making herself more visible than ever. She started riding past my house and playing on my phone. I was sick of it and not to even mention the rumors about Anthony getting my cousin pregnant, shit was crazy, and I was tired. Why do we stay in toxic relationships? What do we gain? Nothing but heartache and pain.
Chapter Two
Self-Evaluation Time
Checking for me they all knew about me, but it was time I did some checking myself. I picked my homegirl up and we rode around until we found Kesha house in broad day light, there he was walking out of her front door. My heart dropped and I stopped the car, looked him dead in his eyes and pulled off. Speeding all the way home, crying and telling my homegirl the same shit, I'm done and fuck him. I decided to go back to my hometown for the weekend, so I rushed home to pack our things. As I'm packing, I came across an unfamiliar bag, I opened it up and it was about 3k and a pound of weed. Not only was this bitch cheating, he was stashing shit in my house without me knowing. I took the shit and down the highway I went. My phone off and my head hurting, I arrived at my destination and picked up mu closest cousins and spent that man's money on whatever I felt like me and my girls wanted and needed. I wasn't stopping until I spent every dam dime and didn't think twice about it. I wasn't stopping until I spent every dam dime. I had decided I wasn't going home until every dam dime was spent and every ounce was gone. I finally turned my phone on the next day and it was so many voice mails and text in which he demanded to know where I was. I was scared and eventually I told him. He got to me in less than 35 minutes. I feared the look in his eyes. I could tell he wanted to hit me and the only thing that saved me was my daughters being in the car. We made it home in silence. I handed him 400 dollars because that was all I had left and the weed minus what I had taken out and smoked. We weren't the same after that. He would go days without talking or seeing me. I would search for him but could never find him. I was faulting myself for his wrong doings. One early morning, I was wakened up by the phone ringing, it was James. James was his cousin. I knew him years before even knowing Anthony. James needed me to pick him up. Anthony wanted us to come to his apartment, he said it was an emergency so, I went. We arrived at his apartment. He opens the door to tell us to have a seat. We both were clueless as he walks out the room, but what he came back with is what blew our fucking minds. He paced back and forth through the living room clutching on to something tightly in his hands. He looked at both of us say's I fucked up again. Fucked again? James said angrily! I'm sitting there clueless looking lost as fuck. He opens his hands and there it was, Anthony was holding a crack pipe. The man I loved, one of the biggest dealers in this area was telling me he was smoking fucking crack. I'm used to seeing motherfuckers buying dope but to actually see a pipe, it had me shook. The tears began to roll down my face and all I could say is everything will be okay; whatever you are going thru I will stand with you and you can overcome anything. He jerks away from me and say's I'm bigger than this then takes a towel and raps it around his glass pipe, goes outside and stomps it. I'm thinking that's it, it's over because I really didn't know what an addict was so I'm thinking the problem was solved but the look on James face made me feel differently. We all had tears in our eyes at that moment. Anthony then goes into the bathroom. I flopped down beside James and asked him why hasn't he ever said anything about his past and why wasn't I told anything about this? I thought It was over. I sat there in disbelief. Anthony enters the room slowly; he was different this time. James yells out Bitch you stuck! It took him a minute to even reply, he slowly says "Sorry", takes a second pipe and wraps it up and stomps it also. This shit was unbelievable. I had never witnessed a real crack pipe, then tis mother fucker has two.  I had, had enough, I looked at James as I grabbed the keys and turned around to Anthony and told him I loved him. I felt as empty as the look in his eyes. He had just given me the full example of why you shouldn't get high off of your own supply. As weeks and months went by Anthony went from a closet crackhead to what seemed to be the scariest crackhead, I had ever laid my eyes on. Somehow, I still have hope and still loved him. So, I still tried to welcome him and nurture him when he came around. I watched him when he would come around. I watched him loose everything he hustled for, and with every lost he took, he became more violent. He came in late night spending hours in the bathroom only sticking his head out of the door to tell me and my girls we were too loud and to cut the tv down or the heat off because he wanted silence. I would lay in bed wondering how to leave him after years of trying to get him to love me.




Chapter Three
The Awakening
I would catch him whispering on the phone, so I figured it was Kesha. I often wondered did he tell her. Why did I even care? I guess I cared because deep down I knew he loved her too. Dope was getting harder and harder for him to get once he ran thru everything he had. Nobody was fucking with him, so he started robbing. Anthony was out of control and I grew scared of him by the day. I wasn't the only one he was taking down through there either. He was taking Kesha ass for everything she had as well. I found out that when she was on my line screaming for me to help her. Yeah you wouldn't have ever guessed it. One day I get a private call and all I could hear was crying and a whisper Lily help me! I asked who it and I was heard a trembling voice whisper Kesha. Hearing her name made my heart drop She explained how Anthony had beaten her and taken all her valuables at gun point right in front of her children. She cried and I didn't know how to feel. She said she was leaving and never coming back then she just hung up the phone. I got in the car and drove to her place, the door was cracked so I went in her home, it was destroyed. Kesha had vanished leaving everything never to be heard of ever again. I called Anthony's phone and there was no answer at all, so when I got home to my surprise Anthony was there waiting on me with the look of the devil in his eyes. He asked me where I had been, and he didn't even give me time to reply. This man just hit me in my mouth, he then continued to beat me as if I was a man. He sat on my shoulders choking me until I saw my siblings in order. I was walking towards a light and I was awakened by him yelling and telling me to get up. He stood me up and told me to go to my room. I was weak and he just screamed hurry. I tried my best, but it wasn't fast enough for him, so he kicked me up my ass so hard. I tried to cry out but heard nothing. With blood in my mouth and tears still rolling down my face, he stood over me with a gun in his hand and say's you got two choices. You can smoke this as he placed a pipe in my hand, or you can die today. I just cried please don't kill me. He sat down and melted a piece and handed it to me and said pull it like them fucking blunts you smoke. I was shaking and I then pissed on myself. I closed my eyes watching his hand on the gun an exhaled it, that very moment I felt nothing.  I just watched the blood run down my body from the beating I took. Nothing on my body was moving but my eyes as I watched him with thoughts of killing him, I was paralyzed. I stayed that way for hours. I was sitting in the room with the devil himself. I can remember him cleaning the blood off of me. I guess my high was fading because I begin to hurt and cry again. He told me to lay down and he would be back. I did but in was in pain and very restless. Hours later he returned but he wasn't alone. I heard James voice downstairs but Anthony's footsteps coming up the stairs. He walks in, turns the light on, and goes into the closet and hands me a pair of my lace panties and said put these on and go downstairs. I knew James was down there, so I asked why? Why are you doing this? He whispered and said, do what the fuck I say do! I took my clothes off and I was shaking so fucking bad. I was so scared, I tried to cover my breast, but he snatched my hands down to my side and walked behind me. I reached the bottom of the staircase with tears in my eyes James looked at me and quickly looked away and said man why the fuck you do that shit to her. Anthony shouted at me telling me to turn around in a full circle, while James yelled at me to stop. They exchanged words and Anthony dismissed me to go back upstairs. He thought that shit was funny. I was humiliated and felt so violated. I just cried but this time when he came up stairs to smoke, I wanted it as well. I wanted to forget how I felt, I wanted to dismiss the pain, hurt and anger. I became addicted to the escape. Every day I had the same routine. I tried to be a mother, during the day and keep every noticing my additive behavior, but as soon as the girls went to bed, I did the same thing. I waited and walked the floors waiting for my next hit. I never really knew what Anthony was doing for money until one night his phone rang continuously, he covered my mouth and I listened to the voice on the other line, she softly says I got some money, can you come? He says yes and told her where to pick him up at. He hung up and proceeded to explain how women paid him for sex and how I shouldn't be mad because that's how he kept us high. I wasn't mad at all. I really just didn't give a fuck anymore. Sad but true, it did explain why he never wanted to fuck. He just would get high rub his chest and listen to every fucking noise in the house. He got weird as fuck at times. He returned in less than 30 minutes, I guess he was quick as fuck but anyways behind him came in James to serve him. James just looked at me, he never spoke a word anymore after that bullshit happened. I wondered if Anthony had told him that I smoked. I didn't have to wonder long because that night he hands signaled me to look in the couch and whispered get it, while Anthony stood in the kitchen. I slowly walked upstairs and opened my hand it was a note. It said I left you something in the kitchen, get it when we leave. When they left, I went straight in the spot, he left me a nice amount of dope. I guess he did know I was hurt, but happy Anthony was gone. I didn't have to share or put up with his shit. I got so motherfucking high that night not noticing the time or realizing it was turning morning. I started wondering where the fuck Anthony ass was, my body was shutting down from being up so long. I finally dozed off. I was awakened by a knock on the door around 11:30. It was James, but Anthony wasn't with him, so I asked where's your folks at? He replied that's why I am here; I came to tell you this motherfucker went to jail last night. I stood there and it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't even care how or why. We sat at the kitchen table. I watched him cook dope for the first time as we talked about everything. He showed me how to fix a glass pipe because I knew nothing. Anthony had done it all for me. James didn't judge me at all. That night I found out something new about him, he snorted cocaine. I had never seen anyone do it, but I didn't like seeing his nose bleed and shit, so I figured out fast that it wasn't for me. I did my shit and he done his. As our conversation grew deep, we talked about the beatings and drug usage and I began to cry. James begin to hug me so tight. That hug turned into gentle kisses and the kisses turned into a night of very passionate love making, He slept like a baby after that.  Of course, I didn't I silently wept and walked the floors thinking Anthony would come home and kill us both. I was very paranoid. I got high walked and paced, waiting for him to come but he never came and of course I didn't even care. I was finally free of Anthony, but I had gained an addiction far more powerful than I could overcome. I asked myself "Who had I became? I couldn't get up and function without getting high. I tried to keep it lowkey for so long, but I lost so much weight, so fast, everyone knew something was wrong. I went from being best dressed to not being able to get dressed. As far as being a parent I no longer had it in me, so I gave my kids to my family. I didn't want them in harm's way because I know I was what I hated; I was Anthony.