Deceased II h.s.

3

I buckled into the car, Jess strapping her seatbelt over her body, before looking at me with a puzzled expression. It was so weird to be in such a quiet space; I must've gotten used to the loud music from the party.

"Rikki, what happened?" She asked softly, scanning my face. I kicked off my heels, bringing my knees up to my chest and resting my forehead against it. I creased my eyes hard, thinking back to what had happened.

The feeling of regret piled inside me. I felt it coil in my body, it was such an overwhelming gut feeling. I felt like if it was to build up any more, it'd start hurting physically. My brows painfully furrowed as I propped the back of my head against the head of the seat.

"Rikki?" She repeated, watching my eyes softly gloss up. "You know you can tell me anything..." her voice trailed off, watching me rub my eye bags.

"I fucked up, Jess." I said, my voice raspy and low. I kept my sight forward, looking out the window as I hugged my legs in front of me.

"What happened?" She asked, her heart beat beginning to slowly pump faster from the anxiousness.

"I-" I cut myself off, creasing my eyes hard as I took in a shaky breath. "The guy- the guy from the party." My voice kept hitching, hard to get words out. "We were hitting it off, he was great. But then we went to a room and I asked what we should do... and then he started kissing me, and touching me and-"

She sat up, her eyes completely widened. "Rikki, did you tell him to stop? Was he doing this without your permission?" Her questions were rapidly asked, her voice attentive.

"That's the thing." I said, leaning my head to the side so I could keep my gaze on her. "I let him." Her brows lifted in realization, her mouth closing, as she swallowed whatever sentence she was going to say. "And when he stopped and asked what I wanted to do, I-" I slapped my palms over my eyes, trying to control myself. "I started kissing him, and touching him back, and-"

I nodded my head, trying not to admit this; feeling so embarrassed and disappointed in myself. "I love Marcus, Jess; I love him." I stated, pulling my hands away from my face.

"Yeah I know you do, babe." She said, pulling me against her shoulder as she spoke in shock. I nuzzled my head into her neck, feeling her soft grip around my body.

"I love him, and, and I don't know why I did that." I said, feeling so extremely terrible. "I would never do that to him, I would never, it's just, Harry, the guy from the party, he was so tempting and he was so- I just couldn't say no and I hate myself for it."

"Shhh, shh." She hushed me, placing her hand on the side of my face. "You're okay, you're okay, just breathe." I took a deep breath from my mouth as I closed my eyes and attempted to calm down. I felt her hand rub my skin in comfort, helping me feel less anxious.

"It's just, I don't know what to do." I said, talking calmly as I backed away from her.

"Okay, well let's get something straight." She said, crossing her arms. "Do you still want to be with Marcus; regardless of what's happened, and the fact that you're not going to Stanford together?"

"I mean- y-yes..." I stuttered, nodding my head slowly. "I- I love- him.."

"Because if you don't, then you could just break up with him, without explaining what you actually did." She said, scanning my face. I looked down, thinking about what she had said. It hurt to think this way, especially about someone who'd been nothing but good to me.

"But- but I don't want to break up with him." I said, my sight shifting towards hers. "I don't- I don't want it to end.."

"Then you're going to have to lie and pretend like nothing happened." She said, shrugging her shoulders softly. "Unless you want him to break up with you."