So Much Life to Live

"You have so much life to live," my mother whispered to me as she gave me a hug before my first day of kindergarten. Most people don't remember being five years old, and I really don't, only this one memory. The only memory I have with my mother. She was murdered while I was having the best day of my life meeting new friends and learning.

My name is Elaine Alexander. My mother was murdered 17 years ago and I haven't stopped searching for her killer once in my life. My father, older sister and I have never given up. The police said it was a suicide, but we refuse to believe it. We know our mom and she would have left something for us. A letter, a phone call, anything. But we didn't get that. And so, we know it was not a self-inflicted gunshot, she was murdered. We never even owned a gun. My mom was a person who believed in peace and never gave into the ideas many around us did that guns were a way to protect us. According to my father and sister Genevieve, my mother spoke out against gun violence. There is no way she killed herself.

As soon as I open the door to my childhood home, I'm nearly knocked to the ground by my sister throwing her arms around me. For the past five months, I have been away finishing my third year of university and have not seen my dad or Genevieve since winter break. I love my family, I really do, but they can be a lot to handle. My dad goes through phases of time when he's doing absolutely amazing and living his best life, but there are also times when he gets so lost in his mind and can't get out. He has been struggling with depression ever since my mom died. He tried to hide it when Genevieve and I were younger, but we figured out what was going on once we got a bit older.

My dad had a heart attack last year and hasn't completely healed since then. My sister moved home to help take care of him and the house. I offered to come home as well but they both made it very clear to me that I needed to stay at school. It's difficult being away from your family while they're going through a health crisis and it makes me feel like a bad daughter and sister, but I also know it's important to continue with life. There's so much life for me to live and I have to pursue it.

"How the hell are you baby sis?" Genevieve asks me once she sets me down and stops squealing. She's only five years older than me but apparently, that means she has so much more life experience than me... which I suppose she does.

"I'm good. Glad to be home with you and dad. How is he?" I ask as I set my bags down by the staircase.

"I'm doing just fine. Happy to have both of my girls home" I hear my dad say from the kitchen. I turn around to see his grinning face and rush to give him a hug. I notice how much older and sicker he looks than the last time I saw him. I'll have to make sure he's taking all of his medications.

"What's going on with everyone? Anything new and exciting?" I ask as I release my sweet old dad from my grasp. As soon as I say this, my dad and my sister share a look that makes me nervous.

 "What's going on you guys? I can tell something is wrong."

"Elaine... we know who the gun belonged to. The gun that killed mom." I stand in shock as I stare at my sister.

"We looked for years to figure out who owned it. How did you find it now? After 17 years? How do you even know it's the same one?" I ask after I get over my initial shock. I don't understand why they're so sure.