I find it odd how I can never remember the day I first met you. Or at least the day I claimed you as a friend. I remember T, your roommate--the one in which I sought refuge with the whole first week of college. But you? Nope. My mind draws a blank. You were just kind of there. Always by her side, and thus always by mine. It was like someone had just magically placed you in the picture and you were there to stay.
Which I am not complaining about. Your presence became a wonderful companion other the years. And in no offense to the others or yourself, but I never saw you becoming the person I love talking to the most. You were just someone on the sidelines, until one day you weren't. You became someone who understood, who listened, who saw, and who loved me.
Our relationship truly grew. Which is something one doesn't experience often. It's quite beautiful really: drawing closer to someone, vaguely aware it's happening, but enjoying the blossoming all the same.
And now, despite the miles of distant that has separated us the past year, we continue on. With letters. With facetime calls. With texts. Crying. Laughing. Ranting. Updating. Praying. Being. I love it. And I truly hope it never changes.
The truth is, Bella, and I don't say this lightly: I am in love with you.
I don't know how to describe it. And I'm afraid of explaining it too much, since I don't understand it fully myself. I don't know where it came from. I don't know what it means.
All I know is that I care for you. Deeply. Like my entire heart aches at the thought of you.
And I don't know if I would classify it as romantic love. I've never liked girls before. Only boys. So if this is a sudden bisexual awakening, I wouldn't know. And I wouldn't say I'm attracted to you, either. (Even though, I will say, you are truly just stunning. Like hot damn girl). And I wouldn't exactly classify it as platonic either. It feels more than that.
It's just this longing. To be with you. To hold you. To maybe kiss your forehead and wipe away those tears you've been crying lately. To listen to your cute little giggle you release when you get excited for something. To sit with you under blanket forts and watch Disney movies. To hold your hand with your crazy sharp nails. To go on walks on freezing nights.
Maybe it's the loneliness talking. Which is a big possibility. I don't have a lot of people around me right now. This could be my soul begging for human affection of any kind and turning to you to give me that. Due to this, I don't want to make this into anything bigger than it is.
But please know, that I think of you almost everyday. And I pray that God is holding you close. Since you deserve all that is good in this world. It hurts not seeing you happy these days. And it hurts even more that I am not there to provide what little comfort I can.
I would trade the world to take away your burden.
With all my love,
Lexi
YOU ARE READING
Unwritten Words
Non-FictionSometimes there's too many things to say. Sometimes there's not enough time. Sometimes using a pen can be easier than using my voice. So here are some words. For you. For those I knew. For those that carry me forward. And most importantly, for me.
