In My Own World

Want to go home?

Right now I am zoning out as the lecturer goes on about complicated math equations of differential equations.
I start to wonder what I am doing these days. I am currently a 3rd year in civil engineering but things are not looking up to me.
I remember when I came to uni how motivated I was but now that I fully understand what I am doing I wonder if I even choose the right major.
Assignments, tests, lab reports and binge watching dramas or binge eating are what I am doing.
No motivation, feeling depressed.
I wonder if the covid and not being able to back home to Sri Lanka is what is affecting or if I am if i am just really lazy.
Ah the lecturer just called my name. My name is really long compared to other in this country sometimes people tend to mispronounce it like now. Arshirwadhini Arya Ranasinghe is my full name.
I answered the question or tried to answer it as I didn't understand much of it.
I feel so lonely.
During the 1st year I made some friends but since we choose different majors we couldn't meet each other and lost contact. Most importantly most of-cut that- all the people doing my major are locals and male, not that they are bad but it's hard to fit in when you don't know what they talk sometimes(they talk in Chinese) and you feel left out. Then the covid came, so far I haven't had a proper conversation with someone for a year. My grades dropped with me getting a fail in course and getting a notice from uni to work harder.
I think my laziness is mostly to blame, but how can you do something that don't feel motivated to do and focus when you actually try to study.
Not that I dislike my subject, I used to love math and always got high grades but uni with every weekly report s which also is counted for grades was not what I was used to.
In high school we would just study at last minute and get it but in uni since we study a whole bunch of stuff in a small amount of time it's really hard to adapt.
I think right now I can rant about my life for hours.
Worse, I feel guilty when calling my parents and when I tell them nothing wrong.
I wish I could start again, I wish I could do things right and not quit every time.
Right now life is just like watching something from the outside, so boring.

I feel like I can do so much more.

Recently, I being having weird dreams in a beautiful forest with a waterfall that nearly looks like a fantasy painting. I see the shadow of a person to me in these dreams but I cant see him and her. When I say him and her, I mean I can tell that sometimes its a woman but sometimes its a man but they never come together. Its so weird, but I was wondering if me wanting to go home is what is triggering them since my home also has the same feeling as the place in the forest.

(This what the forest looks like)

After the lecture, I decided to walk around the main campus which is the older part of the campus. I am not sure why, but since I was small I loved historical buildings or ruins. I took my usual route to the building. Usually some entrances and stairways are closed due to it being old but as I was passing the corner, I saw that the stairway that was always blocked by a barricade, open.

I stopped and looked around. Usually people don't visit the old building unless for functions therefore no one was around. Although I consider myself a very boring person with no ambition and hobbies, I do have hidden side that wants to do tricks, explore new places and be mischievous. I walked up the stairway hoping to see what it leads to. To my disappointment it lead to nothing. Yes, nothing. Usually a staircase leads to another floor or room but what I saw was a blank wall with a lamp. Weird, why would a staircase lead to blank wall.

I touched the old lamp on the wall. I wasn't sure what I was doing but I felt my hand moving on its own, trying to turn the lamp clockwise. I couldn't believe it , the lamp moved but then the wall started to shake rapidly. I tried to run back but I couldn't move. I closed my eyes waiting for something to happen. I heard a screeching noise and when I opened my eyes I saw the wall has moved apart a bit like a door revealing a dark room inside.

I couldn't believe it . My curiosity got the better of me, so I went inside. The room was dark but spacious and it was empty except for a mirror. It was weird, the mirror was glowing and it was like one of those medieval mirrors with beautiful carvings. What was a mirror doing here. Why is a there an empty room. Why did the staircase lead here? Why did the wall open like that and most importantly why did I know how to open it? My brain was filled with these questions.