Today i got out of my bed with an urge to write. That feeling of security and knowing that I'm strong enough to bring this hard topic up and to really just feel. Just to get it all out and finally just let go.
I really don't know how to start writing about something that was a really big impact in my life, because I mostly just splat out things on a page and hope that it will sound right to other people. If you know me personally this may spark some interest to you, if you don't know me you can really get to know me when we get into the topic of this entire story.
Hello. It's me, cameron. About to turn the most useless age of 20 years old with a lot on my mind and no where to really express it. I'm taking you backwards in my life, not a step forward but just a step back to finally reflect. Something that has made a ginormous change in my life that no one will quite understand, and no one will quite understand the hurt in my heart and the effect that this topic has on me. One day I was casually minding my business, sitting in my bed and swiping on Tinder. An app that you can swipe left or right to someone that you think is attractive, and someone you can get to know. Now if any of you aren't familiar with tinder, that person you swipe left on is no bueno. Not interested, not cute. Now if you swipe RIGHT on someone, you think that the particular person is attractive, and you get to "match" with them and start that conversation. I found this particular person that had mutual friends with me. This person was someone that was in fact attractive to me, someone that i never thought would make it to this point in my life. I didn't see anything with this person. A simple swipe and nothing more to it. Me and my person did hit it off, about 1-2 years ago. This person followed me on every account you could possibly think of, pick up lines in my dm's, flirtatious snap chatting almost all of the time, and someone i didn't really think about. One day out of the ordinary i finally started to give this guy a chance because i did feel bad for blowing him off. I saw he was genuine, and really wanted to get to know me. I couldn't resist. Blonde hair, blue eyed lacrosse player. Many friends, nice smile. Who wouldn't?
A couple weeks had past and me and my person were really just casually talking and texting. The beginning. Something I do with most people, something that wasn't completely out of the ordinary and nothing seemed special about him quite yet. My phone goes off and I had gotten a specific message from this person asking me "hey, would you want to meet up? Im home from college and I live fairly close by." Of course in my head, i say sure why not.
The day comes rolling around and I did what every girl does when they see a new guy they haven't met before. I start cleaning. I clean my room, my bathroom, on top of dressers, wash my sheets, vacuum my floors, light candles and do everything i can to make my house look spotless. While I'm perfectly shaved, showered, and smelling like bath and body works I watch some tv. I watch more tv, i look at the clock continuously, every five minutes. Its becoming to be about 45 minutes after he said he was going to come over. Text him, no response. Call him, no response. I sit there thinking to myself, did i do something wrong? Did i say the wrong things to this guy? Thoughts are racing in my mind. Finally, I go to sleep and feeling a little defeated. I wake up the next morning to a text, saying that he got too drunk, went home passed out. The lame excuse anyone would give a girl after they stood them up. This was just the beginning.
After a couple days of self reflect, I catch this guy begging for another chance. He's back at college all the way up in Philadelphia. I notice myself give into the charm, I notice myself enjoying the lack of responsibility and the tiny bit of attention. I don't like clingy, and he was exactly that. I agreed, and told him that I would meet him at his place and that i would spend the night. Here we go again, another awkward night with a complete stranger. When I get to his place, I notice a clean room, a twin bed, and nice little set up. The smell of weed was quite strong, but it felt clean. Im nervous, as every girl would be. My heart is beating fast, I have a pit in my stomach. As soon as I sat down the conversation immediately started flowing. As soon as he opened his mouth, it felt like home to me. It felt comfortable and it just felt right. It felt like I was catching up with a long lost friend that moved away, and were catching up like good times. I really clicked with this guy like I never have before. I never felt this comfort with someone else in my life for once, it was usually a lot of awkwardness but this was different. A really good kind of different. That different that makes you feel warm and makes you just feel welcomed to be there.
