Crazy train

First longing

I woke up today. I simply woke up. I walked to my closet and grabbed the first things I saw. I got my shit together and walked out of the door. Later today I was meeting up with my boyfriend and his friends to hang out. I had gotten really close to this one in the group and today was the first time I'd be meeting him. I was so excited. I went about my school day and as the end grew closer, I became more and more antsy. I heard the final bell ring and I BOLTED out of the doors of my school. I got home so quickly as to get my things together and leave. I got the text from my boyfriend to let me know he was in the parking spot. I went outside and got in his truck. We drove in comfortable silence. We reached his friends house and I got out. I saw my two childhood friends and my new best friend walk out of the house to greet us. I have my childhood friends small hugs and then I laid my eyes on him and I jumped on him. I attacked him with all of my might that I could gain. I was so happy.

Why was this better than hugging my own lover?

I ignore that thought and continue with my hug. I get sucked out of the moment when I heard My lover close their car door. I jumped down and moved quickly to get to his side. We walked into the house and enjoyed our time together.

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Later on in the night I realized that I had been around this boy the whole night. I had tried to get close to my boyfriend but he didn't seem like he wanted to be around me so I had kept my other friend company as he seemed like he was being excluded. I painted his nails and such and enjoyed doing so.

He was so pretty.
No
No
No.
I cannot think this way.
Stop.
You're happy with your boyfriend.

I moved on from those thoughts as my boyfriend told me it was about time for him to leave. I gave him a hug and kiss goodnight and with that, he left. I went and sat down on the couch my my friend who was so nice to be around. His company being the only thing keeping me happy. A little while later we had to take him home. We did and as I sat back at my friends house, I began to think. These thoughts continued into my sleep, invading my dreams. I woke up in the morning, got ready, and went home. I was sitting there realizing I was thinking about my friend, not my lover, and it wasn't the greatest. I say and thought and even if telling myself was nice, I wanted to write it down just in case. I opened my notes app and this is what I wrote...

I thought about you once. Once. It was a simple dream. Right? That's all. But I can't help but think about your warm embrace. How you smelled like comfort and safety. And I know it's wrong because of my current situation but it's so hard. So hard to not love you. Even if you have no interest in being with anyone. I love the way your hair stands straight up. How easy it is to get lost in stupid conversations. It feels like I'm talking to myself. I feel like me again when I'm talking to you. You bring out that happy childish side of me. I love your smile. It makes me smile. It makes me go back to the feeling of warmth I felt when that's all that was displayed across your stupid face as the room filled with your laughter from my tickling. I remember how comfortable it was to have your hand in mine as I painted your nails. Feeling the softness and tenderness of your touch compared to the rough and callused grasp of my own lover. But it's all platonic right? Simply platonic. So all of my feelings will stop as I continue in my happy and loving relationship with your friend. But there's no promise that I won't go back to this state and think, "fuck you for making me look this stupid" you know? The way you smelled like a floral candy. For some reason it smelled like home. And the warmth and care you had when my feet were cold and willingly let me rest them under your legs. The way you speak so softly to me, with so much care. How even when you were angry you showed no hostility towards me. You care about what I have to say even when it's stupid. You make sure I have myself in order when I'm clearly upset. I could never ask for a better friend. You took me out of my dark place when my relationship began to strain. You make my day easier. You make everything feel small. Thank you. But I can't think of you like this anymore. Just. Friends.

What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Supposed. To. Do.