Simply Complicated

I'm stuck with the demons inside of my mind ....feeling lost , feeling cold and empty,i guess i did it to myself . I've never thought that i will get in a point where i have no more love to give . Sadly all the love that i had , they came and took all of it, all for themselves...hungry for more , but never giving it back . Hi , my name is Josephine ( 18 years old) , people around describe me as a young girl , tall and beautiful . I was born in a toxic unloving family , where i have and had to learn the hard way the most important things . After a traumatizing childhood i was left with daddy & mommy issues instead of begin left with love and security. Long story short i was seeking everything that they couldn't give me in the outside world and this is the story of so many people and kids .I said to myself " What can be worst than what i had back home?" ..... I didn't knew that the world was waiting to take every piece of light and happiness that i had left . Before i knew how to write and read, i knew what sex and porn was thanks to my dad , i was left with a big addiction to sex and sexuality , sadly ...until this day i don't know how to deal with it . I didn't know that there is a thing called " MENTAL HEALTH" and for sure i didn't know that i had to be careful with every choice that i make. I didn't know that i have to take care of that , I didn't know that i have to protect my heart , i just wanted to be "wanted, loved and respected" , but one thing i've learned is that not everybody is capable of giving that to you or wants to give it. I didn't had "SELF-LOVE" , " SELF-ESTEEM" ....I didn't know what my worth was so i let everybody to put a price on me , they wanted me for a cheap price , nobody wanted to give me what i was worth . And again... sadly i was allowing all of this !
Giving myself away to everyone that gave me that smallest bit of attention was something ordinary for me, i had no standards , no boundaries....and i wasn't protecting my heart with all costs. Trying to find love in "romantic" relationships instead of trying to find love within myself....i was losing sense of who i was.
The only thing that made me truly happy was my love for music, i can say that God was having a good day when He created me , putting all the harmonies and the goods ...the best of the best in me , but i could never appreciate it, because i was focused on the outside things , something that it's always changing. I started to seek validation , attention and love form boys that only wanted sex , i found my value in who wanted me ... my confidence would boost when somebody that i liked was asking me for a date , and after they ghosted me my self-esteem and my confidence would fade away ...wandering what i did worng and why i wasn't good enough . I developed a dirty caracter , i used to do everything for attention, and sometimes acting like a little slut, even tho that wasn't what i was trying to do , or maybe yes ...surly that wasn't me ...i was crazy for boys attention ...all i've heard form my dad was that i wasn't good enough. I was seeking attention form worng people. I just wanted to have someone so bad that i've overlooked the red flags that were screaming "RUN" . I can say that i was the only one that was hurting myself, not them ...because begin aware of who they are i was still hungry for love .  Welocome to my silly life . Most of the people would say that i'm too young to even understand the world "love" ...they would say that i have just enough time to find somebody and there's no rush (i would agree with the second thing) Why? Because i was and i am young and naive , I would give everything to just focus on my school , career and who i wanna become rather than running after attention and some sex. But I never understood how can you feel good if you don't have anyone of the opposite sex to talk to, well...I understand now...it's a place with no stress and no anxiety .

.
Since i was a little kid ....i was skinny , the only thing that i've heard in every single day was "You're too skinny ,put some weight ...
How much do you eat?
Omg, poor you...are you hungry?
You need to eat !
Etc...."

They were trying to make me feel like i have to look in some way to fit in , trying to find imperfections in me , feeling so scared that i wasn't eating enough...sadly for them ...i'm eating A LOOOOT , but for some reason i can't be more than 50kg so what so bad about that? Why we can't accept that not everybody is the same and we have to celebrate everybody's differences ? Like who am i trying to please here? Like i feel healthy, so if you don 't see me passing out ...then leave me alone!  I didn't had any friends because of that ,i got bullied everywhere i went , because i was skinny, that was a reason . Nobody wanted me . In every 1st March boys form my calss would bring flowers to all the girls biside me, that broke my heart , that made me feeling not good enough, not wanted , ignored .... no flowers , no sweets ...only bad jokes and that went untill i got older and i got more beautiful .
In 6th grade i knew that one day i have to have big boobs and a big ass for boys to want me , i was rejected beacuse i didn't had that...i knew that i have to meet the knife to please the eyes of all the morons . And that stuck with me for a long time (Still does) .

At school i was judged beacuse i didn't had good grades, i was judged beacuse i wanted to be a singer one day ... i'm sorry for my teachers the only thing that i could think of is me begin on the stage singing and dancing, doing something memorable with my life and for others , i was the "dumb one" ( dumb, skinny, ugly....with no future)

.

This is my story....this is my heart and my mind . This is Simply Complicated..Enjoi!