Sands of Time

The other week I finished a book. This itself is not unusual but there was something about this writing that struck me. Novels and literature have a way of provoking certain thoughts: immersing yourself in someone's world either as a form of escapism or empathy. Even the most whimsical of tales have meaning.

 Peter Pan teaches us the inevitability of growing up as we all have to face responsibilities. It shows us that the thought of staying a child forever is quixotic and we have to adapt to reality. Even simple stories we've heard since youth have greater depths than just a childish narrative that many perceive them.

The book I read was They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera. It is a tale of love and yet the crushing imminent realism of death. The two main characters -- Rufus and Mateo -- learn that they will die that day. They navigate a new friendship, and eventual relationship, with each other and try to make the most of the time they have left. They live a life in a day.

I think what was most shocking about it was how sudden it was. A day is so short yet so much can be done. All I seem to be doing is wasting it, just watching as the sands of time flow by and I am throwing it away. Mateo only finds love and takes risks due to the 'Death-Cast' and I wondered what the narrative would be without it, in a world like ours. He just would have died: never telling his dad the things he wanted to say, never meeting Rufus and never really living. And this is just a book. A book about two unfair deaths. 

We all try to live our lives but sometimes I wonder if I am just merely existing. I follow the flow of society and the rules that hold it together. I laugh and cry, I have my own interests, my own opinions and yet I wonder. Are we controlled by expectations? Are we really living? School sweeps by in organised blocks of five. Five days, five hours, five minutes to get to lesson. Five seconds to the test begins and panic about the score, panic when your mind goes blank or your can't answer question one. Relief and yet dread. Annoyance that you fucked up Question Four even though you glanced at the formula yesterday. Annoyance at yourself for only revising last minute.

Sometimes I feel guilty. I get good grades and yet I don't revise nearly as much as some people do. I see them working hard and yes, I work, but not nearly enough. For some reason I can't seem to follow a plan. It's easier to retreat to what is familiar, what makes me feel in control rather than things that I don't understand. You see, I hate not knowing things and maybe that's a bit supercilious (or maybe me using the word supercilious confirms this arrogance) but I like being correct. It's something I can do. People knew I was good a science and it made me feel... good. Yet, I admire them. I admire the art, the swirls and fine lines I could only dream to replicate. The music that brims with life and joy and pure misery. I envy those who can run and run without their bodies screaming at them. In a way I'm jealous of them, envious of the drive they have. Wishing I had their motivation but knowing it is my fault I don't. But aren't we all envious?

Sometimes I get bored. It's the type of bored where I know I could and should be utilising to do something productive like tidy or study or exercise. Still I spend it numbing my brain with phone games and scrolling. Absorbed in the pixels, absorbed in the words as sometimes the fiction of the internet is better than the dull shades of Earth.

I am grateful to be here though. On the world, given a soul. We don't know why we are here so maybe we should just try to spread joy. That would be nice. For humanity to do something beneficial rather than destroy trees and animals. Start wars and create weapons of mass destruction, use beauty and the gift of resources to cause havoc. It would be nice for nature to thrive again. Vines to creep between floor boards and vibrance to crack the cold concrete of humanity. 

This is what happened in Chernobyl. A city and a normal day  and then in a sudden lives were demolished. It is strange how fast everything can change. The pace of life, the pace of the world just tossing and turning so quickly and all you can do is observe and carry on. A single piece of sand falling in the wrong direction altering the future irreversibly. But we just have to keep on walking, walking past those pathways that we declined, those paths that fate snipped away. Walking with the weight of our decisions piling behind us and just let them go and live for now. Watching as nature flooded the abandoned city with something akin to hope.

This, somehow, leads me back to They Both Die at the End. They almost discover themselves without ever knowing their purpose or reason in the unfair strings of life and yet I don't even know who I am. Death gives life meaning. We have to make the most of it but what if I don't know where to begin? When you google it you get a whole load of bull but maybe I'll find out one day; for now I will just keep smiling and enjoying the people I have. My friends, my family and anyone in-between. It is weird how much confidence and warmth a single text, hug or smile from anyone of them will bring. And everyday I am thankful for those who shaped me as a person.

The clock keeps ticking. Even as those we love are left behind, buried in the sands of time. As memories of some stay prominent, a bright smile and witty humour and others fade. However, their impact on you does not. I guess this could be in a negative way. Like I still remember the times I was embarrassed and those are somehow painted with harsher colours than the happy memories. I still think about the girl that first excluded me and made me feel unwanted. All those comebacks I should have said. She still gets glared at and internal cussing aimed her way when I pass her in the corridors. But that's just a ghost I guess, she probably can't even remember my name. But in a way that helped me stand up for myself. Made me more thankful to the people that are amazing and bright and I am honoured to be around. Who still put up with me even if I am godawful at texting and so-so at social interaction. Thank you for now, and hopefully in the future, for continually making my life majestic.

A/N Don't eat too many mints, like the fancy Christmas ones, this happens. I'll probably regret this in the morning and cry over my grammar but, oh well. I have definitely had too much caffeine I should not be this spontaneous!! Oop, I have watched wayyyy to many Minecraft videos the goddamn MCC is seeping into my titles.