This is where i write down my thoughts, i talk about basically anything that comes to mind.
I have diagnosed ADHD and anxiety so im gonna have alot to say. I don't expect anyone to read it, i just need a diary that talks back sometimes. Life can be...
Today i was looking for someone that could find a way to get me some weed and i asked a friend of my ex if he knew where i could get some, we started talking about the benefits of weed and how underrated it is and the bad rap it gets. He ended up being super nice and really open and an over all nice guy. Basically what im saying is that i might be a little interested in him.... just a little. I lost all interest in a guy ive liked for over two years now, 1. Cuz i realized he probably sees me as a trophy and not an actual person and 2. Hes just a fuck boi that probably wants me now cuz im considered attractive amongst my peers and class mates, 3. He wants to steal my first kiss and take my virginity just to say he was my first time. Ive sadly only dated one girl that lives in new york but i broke it off after about 5 months cuz i live in a different country. She was honestly the most amazing person i met, just utterly perfect, she was a taurus so im not surprised. I sorta also left her cuz i was trying a poly with her snd the guy i liked for 2 yrs and i sorta kinda chose him over her cus i thought that after the shit he did in the past he would be different.... he is but sorta not in the direction I expected.
The thing about me wanting to try weed is mostly cuz i have really bad ADHD and anxiety as you know and the fact that im writing this at 1:00 only makes it more obvious why i wanna try weed. I wanna try melatonin vapes but here where i live shit like that isn't accessible. Ive smoked before, but like, house hold stuff. Coffee, teas, bay leaf, cinnamon even ( it was so bad i threw that shit out immediately, dont smoke cinnamon guys), i also wanna get high to see what its like. Ive breathed in spray on deodorant and BOY i had the most beautiful dream the first time i did. I was in a room with pink walls and the walls were actually paintings of a french city type of scenery, the room was bright and the curtains on the window were long and white, it was so bright outside you couldnt even see what was outside. On one of the petruding corners was a door a dark fusha magenta door, it has little steps up it, all that being a painting. I was in a bed with white sheets and a soft pink canopy. It was truly heavenly. After that dream i woke up feeling so fucking good, dude. Ive never, in all my 15 years of living woken up from a nap feeling this good. Ugh its was great.
Ive also recently had a dream that in was at a school and i was the excluded kid and i was sitting at a desk with two other people to my right and this girl comes in and shes, like, the most attractive girl ive ever seen, and she sits down next to me and i internally panic. The school looked alot like the highschool from sally face. It was so bizarre. Speaking of sally face im back in my obsessive sally face phase again, and uh, ya boi has a faht crush on Sal Fisher. Hes so gooddamn hot n mysterious, ugh idk man all i can say is that id call him daddy.
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LOOK AT THIS FUCKING GUY HOW COULD YOU NOT SIMP???
Im really into subliminals and manifestation and right now im doing a subliminal to attract my ideal BF cuz im lonely and ive lost hope =). My ideal guy is simple, (ACTUALLY) emo, boy with fringe a deep voice, kinky and also sensitive and an all around good person, also gotta be slender cuz ion like muscular guys. I could do gf but i know damn well where i live theres ZERO chance of there actually being a girl my type, so i just went with guy. I even drew him. I cant post it right now cuz its super dark.
