Today I lost someone.. someone very special to me.
It is the girl from my previous script.. the one I compared with my best friend, the one whose Life I saved.
Seems like.. she was only pretending to have feelings for me.. even though mine were real.. I really had been putting efforts in all this.. investing my very own.. I let this go near to me..
But once again.. I got tricked, tricked by my own ability to understand.. to feel. Today, my teacher asked me, if I'd get rid of my emotions.. if I had the chance to.. I answered "part of".. damn, if I only knew what is going to expect me for the next hours.. now.. when I reflect on it.. My answer would be "yes, completely".
But dear teacher.. not because of me not liking these feelings.. it's to my own sake of protection... I feel week with these emotions.. You can see by this girl that my mind was all about her.. all.. emotionally dependant.. I don't like this state.. I hate this state..
Well.. I also found out something... I actually had been trying to figure out, actually had been knowing all the time. There is some kind of curse on me. Something.. like fate.. is prohibiting success for me.. at least it takes it away once I speak about it..
What kind of lesson is this actually?!
I... don't understand.. well.. yes I do.. I know what's going on.. but for what reason.
Yesterday, I talked with a very good female friend.. about this special girl.. she wished me good luck.. but today.. today I lost her.
Before, I had an other girl.. and.. once I told my best school friend about her.. she left me.
My first girlfriend.. once I told my buddy friend about her.. she left me too..
So.. it has something to do with me talking. Also.. it doesn't matter with whom I talk.. alone the act of talking is significant to lose my success all at once.
Of course.. not only about girls, about everything. But.. girls are what hit me the most... the wish, to be able to rely on someone.. to be loved without conditions.. I don't know this feeling anymore.. or well.. did I ever get to know it? I.. I dunno.. I'm not sure.. I guess..
So.. you get it, once I mention any progress of mine, I lose it..
but not only that, it's also significant, that the way I lose it.. is always the same..
Let's stay at the girls topic for now..
I get to know a girl... and everything works great, we spend a lot of time, we get to know eachother.. I feel safe.
Then, out of euphoria, I start talking with my friends, tell them, how happy I am with her.. and how much she means to me.. only to get the message that I'm only a "friend type" of boynin her zone.
Even though, she told me that she'd love me before.. while spamming Hearts towards my end..
It is almost like.. reality succumbs once I talk..
Am I inpacting some type of timeline? Can I change the past or the presence?Does it even go that far into the future..?
When I told my friend last week, that in the upcoming week, I'd lose my girl.. he only laughed saying these are my usual doubts.. and.. I also thought like this.. except for a very small part of me, that part knew.. something is going to come up.. even though.. I wasn't sure what it was going to be..
Is it.. my fate to experience the same situation over and over? Is that the curse.. should I just shut my mouth?
I see all these causes.. but.. where is the reason, to ground to all things..?
Now let's inspect the situation besides of girls...
My teacher came up to me, telling me that my exam was "perfect".
What did I do, I expected an A, as it was "perfect", I even went to my friends all happy and proud, quoting my teacher..
Next day I get my exam, it was a B.. so I went to the teacher, asking them why they said it was perfect..
Their answer, "I never said it was perfect"
So... did I again, trigger something that would negate these happenings..
Same with the sudden "you're just a friend" situations..
Before I was perfect, I was a boyfriend, a partner.. or anything else.. ready to receive love
But then I talked.. I asked for advice, displayed my pride.. or just had a happy chat.. and there it is..
Now I never had been perfect.. never had been a boyfriend.. a partner.. or anything else.. just someone who is again, seeing his situation different than before.. so.. he would be replaced.. replaced by time..
Am I the only one to see reality?
What is reality in general?
I feel trapped in here..
If it wouldn't be so hard.. I'd take my life.. just to see where I'd go.. I don't wanna be tricked anymore.
Especially not today.. today, when I lost this special girl..
I really regret loving her.. and.. I still doubt if saving her was the right option.. but.. now she is gone aswell..
Imagine you'd be on a ship.. and there is one thing on this boat you can hold on to... just one thing.. like a pillar, then you hold on to it tightly, right?
But what if you said something, that would provoke the seas?
And they would send out a wave as an answer, destroying your only little oasis to hang on to.. everytime again..
How would you feel?
To return the question to me... I dunno how I'm supposed to feel anymore..
I'm just.. enduring an other hit on my unguarded head.
As always..
But.. hey, I want her back, of course I want her back... but... I know that anything of this would never be real.. never.. because.. seemingly, I held on to something fake.. some fantasy, produced out of disbelief..
So once again.. I keep handling my loss.. while seeing happy people around me.
Deep inside of me.. I know.. that I'd never deserve some constant luck like I'm looking forward to.
Because.. I'm just me, cursed.. because I can't shut my mouth..
If you asked me, why I wouldn't be able to just keep quite...
Wouldn't you like to share your hopes with your friends..?
I'd eventually lose them, by only telling about the bad, because the good needs to be kept away.. so that I don't lose it.. again..
It's like a package of cigarretes.. as long as you keep quite.. you have them all for yourself.. but ifbyoubjust mention a single time, that you were a smoker.. then you cannot protect yourself from people asking you for giving them a cigarret of yours. just.. because you kept saying out loud something, you rather should've kept away..
