Everything You Wanted to Know, But Were Too Afraid to Ask Your Mother

How Will I Know?

I have been asked a few times "How will I know when I am ready to have sex?" This is a loaded question.

Here's the thing. There is a lot to think about as far as when you are ready. There is not a magic age, grade, type of guy or girl, event, dress, anything that will suddenly let you know you are ready.

It is a decision you need to think about in advance in my opinion. I had strong feelings about premarital sex before I became sexually active. Regardless, it happened when I wasn't exactly ready. The thing is, if you play with fire, you're bound to get burned. There is only so far you can go before you go all the way. So the best thing I can think to let yourself know you are ready is to know if you are ready for consequences. Are you willing to risk pregnancy? If not, get on birth control. Would you have an abortion if you got pregnant? Deep question, the answer you come up with is yours to make. I won't inject more of my opinion over what I've already written. Are you ready to get STDs? Do you know where to get treatment? Are you willing to risk a one night stand? Do you want to wait for a committed relationship? There are dozens more questions to ask yourself. The real answer to your question is: Are you ready? Don't do it because other people are. Many may be lying about it, or actually regretting it, and that is why they are talking about it...a cry for help if you will. I don't know what the right answer is for you, but I would tell my kids to pray about it.

I have taken care of children who have their first babies at 12, 13 and 14. You cannot tell me anyone at that age is mature enough to parent a baby on their own. I thought I was mature at 15, but there is no way I would have been ready to have a baby. I also see the sadness in the eyes of the young adult women who had abortions or gave up a baby when they were that young. They come and tell me about it, and 90% of the time there is deep regret over the choice that was made. This doesn't seem to get better as they age. I have 50 year old women think they are paying for past sins if they have pain or depression.

I am not sure what the hurry is to grow up in these young folks. Some come from rough backgrounds, others are from "dream homes". Love is an attractive thing, something we all want. It makes us do things we might not do for other reasons. People kill for it, steal for it, lie for it, they will compromise almost any of their morals for love. Trust me, if someone wants you to do this for their love, this is not true love. If you are obsessed enough with someone who does not feel the same way and you think doing any of that will win their love? You are sorely mistaken and should seek counseling.

Sex does not equal love. Love does not equal sex. I'll share an experience I had at 16. I was with my best friend and she took me with her to hang out with one of her ex-boyfriends and his cousin. She asked me to promise not to let her "do anything" with him. Well, I was a good friend and went along with her to keep her "honest". They were 20. They had liquor and were charming. They played a drinking game we girls we guaranteed to lose. I was not an experienced drinker and it was not long before I was very inebriated. Lou was "the cousin", and I apparently struck his interest. Before I knew what was happening we were in the back room and he was on me and having sex with me.

Let me set the scene for you (should have been the first clue, big red flags and warning bells going off in my head)... My friend directs me into a sketchy trailer park in the bad side of town. We pulled up to one of the sketchiest trailers and went through the broken screen door, and and dilapidated steps. There was no furniture and there was trash everywhere. I trusted my friend though.

I came to on the mattress on the floor of the back bedroom, after a very painful experience. I had sobered up a bit. I asked how he could do that to me, didn't he know about AIDS and STDs. He laughed at me and told me not to worry, because he only did that to virgins, and I was number 42.

I went home (I lived 2 hours away). For the next month I wondered what I did to deserve that. I was date raped. Not really even a date. And he didn't do it once, it happened all night and I had injuries into adulthood that need surgery eventually.

A month later I went back to visit my friend, and we went to their real house. Not the sketchy trailer. For some reason, I thought if I had consensual sex with him, he might want me. Why I would want that loser, is beyond me. So we went to the back bedroom and he ended up forcing anal sex on me.

I mistook sex for love. It really messed me up for a really long time. This is a very public first time talking about it.