Shut Up and Dance :: A Rikoss Fic

You're Holding Back

:: Ch. 5; You're Holding Back ::

I was really glad that my friends met Riker, and vice versa, because I could see how well they all got along together. He had the same wit as Rocky, the same humor as Ellington, the same love for fashion as Rydel, the same depth in thought as Brandon, and just the same passion for music as the rest of us.

When we eventually ended the hang out and had to part our separate ways, Ellington just had to mention that we "were a match made in heaven" right in front of Riker. Talk about embarrassing. But Riker, being the sweet guy he was, just pecked my lips and let out a hearty laugh before bidding his goodbyes to everyone and heading the opposite direction to his car. I should've offered to walk him over, but I was still stuck in a daze. His kisses were always going to be my favorite.

But that was Friday. Today's now Wednesday.

And I haven't spoken that much to Riker since that day.

I've been ignoring his calls, his texts, just everything. I don't know what happened, I have no idea what's going on with me, but I just had this overwhelming desire to just avoid him at all costs. My mind's been a cluttered mess lately. I just couldn't stop thinking. I just needed some space.

I knew I should've at least told Riker that I needed some time alone, but I couldn't exactly tell him that when he was the reason why I needed space in the first place.

Yeah, I'm being a moody bitch because of my boyfriend. Sue me.

Ever since that day with my friends, I've started having this weird nagging feeling in the back of my mind; a feeling that kept tugging at my heart and driving me insane. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was going on, but ever since then, I've just felt like the whole world had been lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe it was the way that Riker was talking passionately about music with Rocky and Brandon. Maybe it was the way he kept cracking jokes with Ellingon and Rydel; or the way he kept flicking his long fringe away from his gorgeous eyes; or the way his gaze seemed to linger on mine; or the way his lips curved into a smile whenever he kissed me. But all I knew from that point on was that...

I loved him, and you have no idea how terrifying this is.

I know what you're thinking: "Aw, you're in love? Shouldn't you be happy?" I mean I am happy, but I'm feeling more terrified than elated, actually. I've never fallen in love before. Fuck, before I even met Riker, I've always been appalled by the idea of falling in love, because falling in love and being in love meant weakness. And Ross Shor had never shown weakness. It's been years since I've let my guard down, but it only took one guy--one fucking blond angel--to break down every single one of those walls I've built. It was hard to let people in. It actually took almost a year for me to allow Rocky, Brandon, Ellington, and Rydel into my life. But now, Riker's in my life, too. And I don't know whether to stay and deal with my feelings for him or run and just completely ignore the fact that I love him.

Fuck, there it is again. That fucking L-word. What the fuck was I supposed to do now? My heart was saying yes, but my mind was saying no. And being the stupid fuck that I was, I decided to listen to my head for once.

...I ran.

:: - ::

"Oh, um.. You didn't pick up, so you're probably sleeping or showering-- I don't know, haha....But anyways, I really had a fun time with you and your friends, and I really hope we get to do it again sometime. Because they're kinda pretty cool.. But maybe next time, it'll be just you and me. You know...Like a date. Just ca--"

"Hey, Rossy. So...you haven't returned my calls or answered my texts, and I was wondering if we're still on for that da--"

"Um, about that da--"

"Ross, are you oka--"

"Okay, I'm getting really worried, Ro--"

"Baby?..."

"...."

"Ross, please pick up--"

"I miss yo--"

Skipping through all of Riker's old voicemails shouldn't feel as hard as it was right now. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like all the walls were closing in. I just sat in the drivers' seat with a lifeless look in my eyes as I stared out to the ocean. The sun was setting, the red-streaked sky slowly melting into mellow purples and blues. The ambiance of the whole beach was a complete polar opposite to the turmoil that was raging inside of me. I wanted to scream, cry, punch a wall, but I couldn't bring myself to move.

The windows were rolled down and the smell of the ocean breeze filled my nose. There weren't a lot of people left at the beach at the moment, so I was able to listen to the crashing waves of the sea without much of problem.

I closed my eyes, just letting myself doze off for a moment, but the peace was suddenly interrupted by the incessant noise of my phone vibrating against the dashboard of my car. My eyes flung open, my Blond Angel taunting me and begging me to answer. But I just couldn't. I was too...weak. Everything just has to come back and bite me in the ass, doesn't it?

I waited a few minutes after the vibrating had stopped to finally check my phone. My eyes soon landed on the little red circle that indicated that I was left with yet another voicmail from Riker. I didn't want to listen to it because I knew I'd feel horrible afterwards, but I found myself pressing play anyway. Really bad mistake, Shor.

"Okay... It's been almost a week, and...and I still haven't been able to hear your voice. I know I've got your voicemail, but that just isn't enough... Fuck, I'm going insane not seeing your face either... Shit. Baby, I'm really worried about you...You haven't returned any of calls. You haven't texted me back... Did I do something wrong? ..Ross, please. If this isn't working out then....just tell me. Don't... You don't have to make this harder than it is.. Just...Fuck, just tell me if I did something wrong. Please... Talk to me.. Break up with me... Just fucking do something, so I don't have to keep...keep believing that I...I finally found the one...I didn't want to cry, but-- shit. I miss you so fucking much. I-I...I wanna hold you.. I wanna kiss you, talk to you, listen to music for hours on your bedroom floor with you.. And fuck, I just... I love you, okay? I fucking love you. Just...Just please..."

And it ended right there.

I couldn't forget the sound of Riker's sobs. I couldn't forget the hurt that was clearly evident in his voice. And I definitely couldn't forget that he loved me.

He loved me.

Riker said that he loved me.

Fuck.

You're clearly holding yourself back, Shor. When will you stop being so afraid? When will you start letting yourself love and be loved? You can't keep doing this yourself.

I can't keep doing this to Riker.

With a final push of confidence, I unlocked my phone, dialled a number that I've learned to memorize after all this time, and held it up to my ear. I took a couple of deep breaths to keep myself from freaking out as I waited for the person at the end of the other line to pick up. I spoke up before he could even start talking.

"Riker, I fucked up. I'm so sorry."

:: - ::

A/N: Well, that was a pretty crappy ending, but anyways, I still hope you liked it. And I'm really sorry if this chapter hurt you in anyway, but I promise it'll get better very soon.

Don't forget to comment/vote!

twitter: @rocky_jesus :)