Needing You

The Cab Ride

Sherlock walked John down the stairs. It was agony to not touch his hand in the cab until they were clear of London. Wordless, he laced their fingers together.

"What do you tell Mary? For your excuses?"

John looked down. He didn't like thinking about Mary when he was with Sherlock. "Well," He said slowly. "I uh, I say that we are working cases and sometimes there will be lots of research that takes all night. I figured it is believable. We did stay up many nights working cases in the past."

"And for the lunch today, another case?" Sherlock's voice trembled. "Okay." He replied "Okay, okay fine just..." He sighed "Just make sure you're kind when you're with her."

"I am." John said flatly. "You seem upset with me, is there something you would rather me say for an excuse?"

"It's the perfect logical excuse why would I be upset." Sherlock shrugged "You love her, don't you?" John froze a minute. Even a week ago he would have said yes without thinking. He knew that Sherlock was reading him, and that made him feel even worse. Things had changed quite a bit in John's mind. Since being with Sherlock, he has felt happier, more at peace, and his nightmares have stopped. Even when home with Mary, all he can thing about are the days he and Sherlock spend together.

"Y-yes." He said finally. He swallowed hard hoping beyond hoping that Sherlock wouldn't read into it. Sherlock snatched his hand away, eyeing John carefully.

"We're going to Mary's and you're going to apologize to her and fix this."

"No." John said plainly.

"You love her." He repeated firmly. "Yes you do. Don't try and convince yourself you don't because you like the escape more than reality. You're supposed to, that's why it's the escape, but you can't stay there. You can't just pick something else because you found out reality is hard."

"One, it is my life and I will do as I see fit. Two, I am not leaving her so calm down." John said, voice taking a slightly angry tone. "One day, just one day with you, out in the world, being like a couple is all I wanted, but no. You had to bring up something you knew would either lead to a fight, or one of us getting very upset."

"We're not a couple." Sherlock snapped "We're a lonely broken detective and a married man seeking some escapism by indulging in memories."

"Don't profile me." John spat. "You are the one who started all this."

"It's not profiling if it's written plainly on your face, honestly you haven't even lied to Mary as much as you have lied to yourself." He glared "You're the one who acts like I mean the world to you, then leaves, who wants to act like a couple, then will leave at the end of the day, who asked me to speak at his wedding, a wedding which physically pained me to see, it was like having my chest ripped out, and then shags me in the shower." Sherlock's voice cracked. "Just because you can reduce me to a memory, doesn't mean you have to try and make me reduce you to one. That's what's been bothering me!"

"You think I want to leave?" John asked harshly. "I hate it. You are so much more than a memory to me, but you are too thick to see that. I think you just can't accept the fact that someone can love you for you. Not for memories or ideas."

"Well why would they, you can't! I'm not allowed to 'read you' and shove the truth in your face because it breaks the little bubble you build yourself in when you see me, and you don't care what happens to me in that bubble once you leave. You say don't wait but you want everything to be exactly the same as when you left!" His voice was reaching hysterical now. "And I'll never have you properly, I didn't move from that bed for weeks because I was waiting for you." He choked. "You've ruined me. You've smashed up my whole life."