I hate feeling like I currently do... I had another breakdown today, I'm not really sure what triggered it but it hit hard. I remember screaming out that I don't need anyone, kind of ironic really because I know that it's a lie...
I tend to rely on my partner a lot and I honestly don't know how to feel about it, a massive part of me is terrified that I'm becoming too much to handle despite the fact that she tells me that I'm not it's hard to believe.
There's a huge part of me that wants to be ok, during my breakdown I bit at myself and clawed at my skin... Those aren't uncommon things that happen but they are extremely confronting.
I'm terrified that one day I'm going to become too much to handle and she's going to leave me... In all honestly I can't say that I'd blame her either because I know that my current mental health is a massive problem.
I trialed medication again, a three week trial but unfortunately it didn't do anything to help me feel better so I had to stop it... I'm not sure if medication is the path that I want to go down but I feel like I'm getting worse and worse...
I know my mental health is in a shocking state and I'm trying my absolute hardest to be better but it feels like I'm failing big time.. I feel like no matter how hard I try that I'm just not doing enough and it's my fault that I'm like this...
Is it my fault? Is it because I'm me? I don't know... I wish I did... I'm constantly trying to be there and support other people especially when it comes to their mental health but I feel like I'm a fake because how can I really tell them that it'll be ok when I don't even believe it anymore...
I feel like I'm slowly losing everyone around me because of how I currently am and it really fucking sucks balls.
People say that they'll be here but do I want them to be? I don't want to drag them down with me.. it feels like I'm cursed and whoever is around me gets shitty luck too..
I was on a high mania "trip" for awhile but now I'm slowly crashing back down and it really doesn't feel great at all...
Will things ever get better? Will I ever heal? I don't know anymore..
