unholy confessions || seongjoong

seven- hongjoong isn't useless

hongjoong | seonghwa

Idiot.

I am such a fool.

It was so careless of me. So stupid of me. Did I even think? Clearly, I did not. I don't even know him and there I went, spilling all these vulnerable details about a really private part of my life.

One second I was fine- hidden. Then I don't know what happened...I don't know what came over me. I just spoke and spoke. I didn't even think about the repercussions of my words. Like vomit, secrets poured from my mouth. I couldn't control it and before I could say 'nevermind' or 'just kidding', he had already responded. And then at that point, I didn't have it in me to be rude.

As soon as he touched me...as soon as he spoke to me, I couldn't control the thoughts whizzing around in my head. Those little voices of impulse silenced the logical ones, screaming out that Hongjoong could possibly make me feel better. Selfish, I know.

It was shameful.

But those impulsive thoughts felt so right at the time. That scared me...it still scares me. In fact, it scares me more and more the longer I think about it. The impulsivity that being around him evokes...is not okay. I haven't been able to stop stressing over the matter since the second I dumbly texted him like some ditzy schoolgirl.

But what was I supposed to do or say when he looked at me the way he did- all smiley and sincere? Was there any way I could have reeled back in my thoughts? And even more importantly, how do I face him now? It's Monday...Bible study day. How can I possibly act as if everything is normal? How can I act as if he knows nothing about me? How do I dissolve the awkwardness already brewing in my chest? I wish I had the answers to those questions, especially now that I hear a rhythmic knocking on my front door.

I rise to my feet, clasping my left hand onto my right arm, nervously playing with the material of my baby blue sweater. My long digits already tremble, as do my bruised lips.

When I finally muster enough courage to open the door and face Hongjoong, the air practically gets knocked out of me. My mouth goes dry at the sight.

Casually leaning against the doorframe to my home is a whole lot of bold thrown onto a figure that doesn't immediately fit the vibe. But that contrast would be bad for anyone else...not Hongjoong. Hongjoong has this way of making things I found to be a bit odd or unfitting make sense, like the dark smoky eyeshadow he has on. Or even the multiple layers of black and red, ripped and disheveled in the most intentional way. Even the blingy jewelry hanging from his neck, wrist, and wrapped around his fingers. And even though he is small and has this innocent, playful voice, the mischievous, almost animalistic smirk he holds throws off that assumed pure persona. Out of anyone I have met in my life, he is the first to show me that different can actually be good.

Without even realizing it, my gaze is raking from his boots, all the way past the curves in his waist, up to his face.

What I idiotically didn't expect was to meet his own caramel colored eyes. They flicker with amusement. It is then that I realize that I had been caught in my moment of awe- awe that I narrowly acknowledge myself. The whole moment has my face burning.

He giggles in his signature way and pushes his body away from the doorframe. In this very casual, yet almost hypnotizing way, the edgy looking boy adjusts his jacket and quirks his head to the side. With a smirk plastered on his face, he says, "Park Seonghwa."

Hearing my name come from his mouth has my stomach doing flips, which makes me a little less inclined to trust my voice enough to speak a whole lot. Not that I want to anyways...not with this tense feeling squeezing at my mind all because of my stupidity the day prior.