BETTER (norenmin)

Chapter 18

Tuesday Night
Mid December, 2019
Northern Seoul, South Korea
Huang Renjun's Bedroom

At this time of night, the Huang's house is usually quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Tonight isn't that different, in actuality. But to Renjun, the noises are deafening.

As he lays in his bed, he's bombarded with elevated levels of imagined white noise, the sounds of his own heart beating, the blaring hum of his bedroom heater. He's hyper fixated on the tempo of his breath and the seemingly echoed whispers shared between his mom and brother in the other room, discussing what Renjun wishes he had never heard.

He can't even quiet the babbling voices of his anxious mind. Reverberating the bomb his mom dropped on his budding new life. Thinking about what will happen when he inevitably leaves. The old life he has to return to in China. Whether the people he met here will even care if he's gone.

His ears were ringing and a painful lump was caught in his throat, nearly suffocating him. Renjun hasn't had a panic attack in so long, he's forgotten how bad they can be.

Once they return to China, he's sure this one will be the first back among many more to come.

He was becoming so gripped by the thoughts, that he almost tuned out the noise of his phone vibrating on his side table.

He blinked the warm salty pools of tears out of his vision and turned his head just enough to see an incoming group FaceTime call started by Jeno.

With hardly enough strength, he flipped his phone over so he wouldn't see the notification.

Moments later, he rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. He couldn't stop mulling over the image of the two boys waiting for him to answer.

What's gonna happen to us?
Whatever 'us' is...
How will I ever forgive myself for leaving such a good thing?

"Renjun?" His mom interrupted his contemplating, with a knock on the door.

Renjun physically couldn't answer, the lump in his throat ever so present.

"Junnie.. I'm coming in." She firmly asserted.

She knows her son and has been through his anxiety attacks more times than either of them could recall. She knows what to do and when to do it, how to respond, and whether she just needs to let him be.

She opened the door to a sight that used to be much more familiar. But like second nature and without a word, she laid next to her son where he was enfolding his own face into his pillow. She snuggled her head next to his and pet along his back which was heaving unsteadily. They stayed like that until his breath matched the slower rhythm of her pets.

"Renjun, I know this news is really upsetting. I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling. I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry."

"Mom, please-"

"No, really. I feel terrible. I dragged you both here, encouraged you to enjoy this new opportunity, I gave you hope, Renjun. Now, I'm taking it away."

"You're not. It's not you, it's your job." Renjun reassured her. He will also admit that he did at first blame his mom. He blamed her for not being strong enough to ever stand up to her boss. She never did and all she got was pushed around and in turn so did they all.

He continued, "Mom, I know you don't want to hurt us and I know how much you don't ever want to let your job down. But Chenle and I have never been so happy. I'm doing well at this school, I actually like my job, we both found the best group of friends. All of that is right here."

His mom kept her eyes shut and after a minute or two had passed, she replied, "I understand. Chenle just got done telling me all the same things. This isn't easy for me, Renjun. I don't know what to do." She finished, breaking down slightly.

They stayed in that position until the both of them drifted off to sleep. Energy completely expended.

At around 3am, his eyes fluttered open to see his mom had left to her own room. He checked his phone to see what time it is and noticed about a dozen worried text messages from his group chat with Jeno and Jaemin.

He returned his phone to it's spot on the bedside table and stretched out onto the newly freed up space on his bed.

He easily fell back asleep when the exhausting questions invaded his unwilling brain once again. One thought in particular making its way to the front,

Do I have to say goodbye?