When Flames Die Down - Mockingjay sequel

When Flames Doe Down - Chapter 4

Chapter 4- Empty

Its been hours since Peeta had left that train and entered my life and I've spent it locked in my house scowling at my pillow as I lie on my bed. Every time I close my eyes briefly to try and rid my mind of our reunion, all I see are those baby blue eyes reflecting what we both had felt at that moment- shock, wariness...

But worst of all, the yearning. I can't pretend I didn't feel it because I know that even though I promised myself that I would let Peeta go in District 13, I couldn't. He was the lifeline I didn't know I needed. Until now.

And I despised that.

This brings another scowl to my face as I glare at the headboard of my bed. Damn him, and damn Haymitch for tricking me into going to the train station. When I ran out on both of them, I was forced to make my way back through town alone, which resulted in a bout of tears by the time I reached my home in Victor's Village. I've forced all those people to rebuild by destroying 12. I've ruined Peeta's life once, yet now he's back. For what? More suffering? Why is he drawn to the one person, me, who seems to be the magnet of death and destruction?

Another scowl. Effie once scolded me over them, telling me that the expression would stick if I continued to do it. Now I simply don't care.

What must Peeta be thinking now? Does he hate me for walking out on him right after he got off that train? Is he disappointed that I didn't welcome him home with open arms? That I couldn't handle the fear of hurting him as soon as he stepped off that train?

I scowl again, but this time at myself. You probably hurt him by leaving the train, idiot. I'm such a fool. A fool for Peeta, my mind suggests. I bite my lip, shaking my head. He can't be near me. Not unless he wants to get sucked into my whirlpool of despair, guilt, death... And I can't throw my problems on top of his own. He's just come back from treatment to someone even more mentally unstable. Great, Katniss. Just great.

The sound of a door shutting puts me on my feet as I peer out my window, pinpointing the sound like I would if I was hunting. I can hear Haymitch in front of the house next to mine. "Boy, you just have to give her some time. She's going to be fine once-"

"No, Haymitch!" I'm surprised Peeta is speaking so fiercely to our mentor, but I listen on. "Did you see her? How has she come to that? How could you let her just waste away-"

"Now listen to me," Haymitch snarls back, his voice taking on a nasty tone that silences Peeta immediately. "I can't force food or water down that girl's throat. Hell, I can't even get her out of that house. Ever since the war, all she's been doing is crying, having those damn nightmares, and blaming herself for everything and everyone. Can't you see how much she's suffering, boy?"

Peeta is quiet and I'm holding my breath, waiting for a response. Haymitch continues cruelly, "She turned to alcohol twice- once right when we got back, and another time when the nightmares got too bad. She almost drowned herself in the bathtub once and its common to find her spacing out the entire day, crying and shutting everything out around her."

Admittedly, Haymitch is right. When I first returned to 12, almost immediately after the alcohol binge I had, I had filled the tub, desperate to escape from the daily misery I could never shake. The water was hot, almost to the point where it scalded my skin, but I ignored the heat. Instead, I relished it. I deserved to be burned. The girl on fire. Or rather, I deserved to be extinguished. Wouldn't it be the only punishment fair enough for all the friends and family that died because of me?

I had sunken below the surface of the hot bath water, feeling some of the hatred towards myself lessen. What if I joined them all? Finnick. Rue. Even the two Career Tributes I killed in the first games. Even Cato. Guilt haunted me for all of them. But there was only one death where guilt consumed me completely. Prim.

Surprisingly, I felt complete calm under the water instead of my usual panicky horror. Perhaps Prim would forgive me if I joined her.

But instead, just as the edges of my vision had gone black, the surface of the water breaks and two strong hands yank me from the tub. Later on, Haymitch tells me I am only allowed to take showers unless he is in the house. I ignore him and just haven't bathed in weeks, confining myself to the creaking wood chair near the mantle.

"-my fault, I was gone." Peeta's voice brings me back to the present. The comment is strained and I just know he's blaming himself again. Despite being given the worst circumstances the past two years and dealing with me, my boy in the bread is still putting Katniss Everdeen before himself.

A door slams and I spot Haymitch making his way back to his house before disappearing. The sun is setting now, casting rays of muted orange along the Victor's Village houses. Peeta's favorite color.

What could he possibly be thinking? Does he hate me for it? That its all his fault that I've drowned myself in my sorrows? Literally? The thought is sick. Utterly wrong. But a small bark of laughter comes out of my mouth. Yes, there is something terribly wrong with the shell Katniss Everdeen has become.

I retreat to my bed, sitting on the edge of my mattress while staring at the empty wall opposite of me. Empty. Like me.

I close my eyes, curling up on the bed and wishing I could disappear from everything.