Chapter 1-It Ends Here
Hold on tight, spidermonkey. Edward said as he waited next to the window bended down for me. I walked up to him and climbed onto his back wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. "Alright I'm ready" I said to his ear. "No your not" Edward said with a groan. "What do you mean I'm not?" I answered in interest. "Wrap your legs around me" He demanded. I let out a sigh and wrapped my legs around his waist. "Okay I'm ready" I said to his ear. "No your not! you have to bring your legs up higher" He then mumbled, "You know like around my crotch" "Uh no Edward thats too far" I said uncomfortably. "Ah fuck it! I'm 80 years old and I'm still a virgin, they should make a movie about me called "The 80 Year Old Virgin"
"look just uhh fly or whatever you can do" I said with an annoyed attitude. "Fine!" He then flew out the window as I tightly held onto him. "Faster! Faster!" I yelled in excitement. "Haha! you sound like your having sex with me" He then began to fly faster and faster. "Oh wait Edward that's too fast! ahhh!!!!" I screamed. "Well I like it rough!" He turned his head and winked at me as he then began flying as fast as he could. I suddenly realized we were going to hit a tree, "Edward look out for that tree!" I warned him. "What tree?" He said like an idiot as he then hit his head against the tree and fell with me on his back down to the ground into a pile of leaves.
I laughed a bit and laid down in the leaves looking at the sky. As he then laid next to me looking at the sky along with me, he then pointed out to a cloud and yelled, "Ha! that cloud looks like my dick!" I studied the cloud and said, "Actually Edward it looks exactly like a vagina" "Ooops I mean that cloud looks like a vagina!" He corrected. I then began to continue looking at the clouds realizing that through one of the clouds there appeared to be a woman in red leather clothes with a spear in her hand flying down from the sky.
"Edward look!" I yelled in misery. "OH MY GOD ITS BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!" He squealed and danced around in excitement. "No Edward you are a vampire you dumb ass!" I yelled and got out of the way at a distant about 10 feet away from him. "Ahh! Can I have your autograph?!?!" Edward screamed like a fan girl as Buffy then stand beside him holding up her spear. "Well of course!" She laughed like an evil witch as she grabbed a glowing knife from her back pocket. She then lifted up his shirt and slit the knife in his stomach writing the name, "Buffy' Edward screamed in pain then fell to the floor down to his knees, she then slided off his head and threw him up to space. He then landed in the sun and burned.
Chapter 2-Bloopers
"Haha! that cloud looks like my dick!" He said bursting out with laughter, "Damn I gotta get paid more for this to act like a fagot!"
"Wrap your legs around my dick!" He said with laughter. Camera man: "Dude thats not part of the script!" "Yeah I'll start saying things right when you stop making my body glow!" Edward said rolling on the floor.
Camera man: "Alright Buffy pretend to cut him!" Buffy looked at the camera man and literally began to slowly cut him. "What the fuck are you doing!??!?" The camera man yelled. "Sorry I just don't like this fag...sometimes I wonder how on earth he made it through Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. Oh well he'll die in the next one" Buffy laughed like a witch.
Chapter 3-Deleted Scenes
"Hey Edward may you please bite my neck and turn me into a vampire?" Bella asked him. "No woman!" Edward yelled.
"Hi Edward" Bella said in a seductive way as she sat on his lap and curled her hair. "Uh yes Bella?" Edward said in interest. Bella laid back into his arms and asked, "May you please bite my neck and turn me into a vampire?" "Hell no!" Edward yelled and threw her off his lap.
"Hey Edward" Bella said holding a knife up Edwards throat. "What woman!?" Edward asked in an annoyed way. "If you don't bite my neck and turn me into a vampire I will kill you. "Vampires don't die dumbass!" Edward kicked her stomach yelling.
"Edward?" Bella said to him. "Yes?" Edward asked. "May you bite me and turn me into a vampire?" Bella asked nervously. "NOT UNTIL I GET MY DICK UP YOUR PUSSY!"
The End
